1. Dorm Parties: I am the number one fan of dorm parties. Let me tell you, I enjoy all the benefits. Among them are the 1,000 degree atmosphere, the jubilant hospitality, and the “beverage” selections. Or how about the fact that leaving room for the Holy Spirit actually means “Holy Spirit, leave the room.” I also love the three commissioners of the dorm party. First, there’s the beverage commissioner: “Dude, you want something to drink?” Then there’s the social commissioner: “You have to talk to these (guys, girls, dudes, bros, etc.) who just walked in.” But my favorite is the noise commissioner: “Everyone needs to shut the *$%& up because the RA’s gonna bust us!” And one piece of advice: Don’t EVER go into a dorm party barefoot.
2. Rover in Revue: I would say that the Rover’s editor meeting that appeared in the Revue was the second greatest skit behind the priestly combine of course. Everyone knows that Fr. Brian Daley would have won both the forty yard splash and the genuflect competitions. I’m sure the 98.7% female staff of the Rover was enthralled by your description of the paper as a secret male society. But hey, we thank you for the free publicity. Now maybe readership will double from 5% to 10%.
3. Majoring in Philosophy: Ancient, Medieval, and Modern. I mean philosophy is the love of wisdom. So when you graduate you’ll have the highest understanding of the Good, the Beautiful, and the Equal. You’ll also be able to do two things: either get your masters or drive a school bus. Once you get your masters you can then get your PhD or drive a school bus. After that there are two equally alluring options: you can either teach philosophy or drive a school bus. But by the time you’ve worked your way through the philosophical school system you really should have gotten your charter bus license.
1. February: You thought you were so clever inserting your-random-number-of days-self between January and March. And then for grins you decided you would be extra cold. Don’t pretend like the Bible said: “And on the eighth day God made February.” You are evil. As a civilization we had to make you interesting so we invented the Superbowl and Valentine’s Day. The first is fine and the last is a gimmick. Valentine’s day isn’t even based on St. Valentine you tricky month. Man, Valentine ’s Day is such a gimmick that at the DH yesterday I blew out my ‘love scented candle’ to show my disapproval. Forgot about Groundhog Day. Bill Murray lived it over and over again so ask him how much February sucks.
I apologize to all who were born during this monstrosity, including myself.
2. Texting: I don’t deny its usefulness… but it’s limited. First of all, it costs your phone provider absolutely no money to send texts but you end up paying a fortune. Then there are those thirty text message conversations that people just won’t give up. SON, just call me. We could take that hour texting conversation and turn it into a thirty second phone call. How about those awkward misunderstandings? Or better yet, the one letter message, ‘K.’ Lastly, I hate reading through the emoticon seizures people sometimes have just to know that we’re going right left.
3. English: If mouse is mice then why isn’t house hice? Why do you sit on the couch but in the chair? Ridiculous. Other languages make much more sense. Case study: Spanish. I know that I just can’t say embarazada for embarrassed because then I’m pregnant and embarrassed. But there are those Spanish words that work almost like English words. Take normal for example. If I say it with a Spanish accent and then stick –mente on the end, hey I said normally in Spanish! Try it with the word rapid! Go ahead, do it now. That’s right, rápidamente. You just said rapidly or quickly. English is terrible. No wonder people don’t want to learn it. Side note: It’s even hard to translate. Kuna Yala seduces tourists? Try entertains tourists.