In a shocking and sudden turn of events, Fr. Jenkins has announced that he is canceling the Campus Crossroads project. The project, which has costed hundreds of millions of dollars, was to be the crown jewel of the Jenkins administration. When asked for comment, Fr. Jenkins was surprisingly upbeat. “Why even bother creating a new place for students to interact and experience learning in a different environment?” said Jenkins. “I would much rather just spend that money to update the priests’ rectory. Do you know how many foot massagers I can now buy with the money we would have spent on Crossroads?” It appears that many other priests also share in Fr. Jenkin’s newfound enthusiasm. As of last week, this reporter observed several priests clad in newly acquired Versace robes and sporting the latest in sin-fighting Gucci watches. Other reports have begun to trickle in of a new wing being added to the seminary, in which a specialized Holy Water Jacuzzi is being added to help new priests unwind after a long day of penance. “We are doing whatever it takes to help the community,” said Fr. Jenkins, “Whether that means spa days or trips to the salon, whatever it takes to get our priests up to their tip-top state.

Sheldon Turk is a campus writer at the Rover.