Editor’s Note: The following article was submitted in response to the piece by Mordecai Lewis. If you have trouble determining what actually happened, please take this as an opportunity to join in solidarity with the rest of the American population.

For the absolute first time in the history of his existence, President Donald Trump announced something that shocked the world and, in particular, the students enrolled at the University of Notre Dame. Trump insisted that he was indeed invited to give the commencement speech this May, but refused in the wake of the 41st Keenan Revue that took place this past February. Unbeknownst to all, he snuck into Thursday night’s show and was appalled at his role in the opening skit “U Up?” in which the president engaged in a sparkling conversation with Notre Dame President John Jenkins during a nagging fit of constipation. Trump promptly stormed out of the Stepan Center and took an Uber to the airport in order to avoid tipping his driver.

When asked about the performance, Trump instead bombarded the already-regretful reporter with an illustrious attack on the university: “Believe me, I have a great relationship with President Jennings. He’s a good guy. But his campaign is a total disaster. I mean, there’s still no wall between North Quad and South Quad. I will bring a wall to this campus. And we’ll charge Zahm for it. I have put a lot of thought into this. Believe me, no one has put more thought or effort into this than me.”

Based on this account, it appeared that the Revue had no effect on the president’s decision to decline. Only recently has an undisclosed source discovered that Trump had booked a non-refundable tee time with LaVar Ball in the “Outright Liars about their so-called Professional Careers” tournament. Before being carried off in an enormous wave of Cheeto dust, however, the president promised to attend a Notre Dame football game this fall: “I have many, many supporters at Garmin. Believe me, if I put “home state of Chris Christie” into my GPS, they will find the stadium for me.”

Drake News is a investigative reporter at the Rover.