Who is worthy to open the scroll and break its seals?
The confession hotline at Notre Dame has been forced to unplug its phones after a series of heretical actions were uncovered.
“Confession Hotline was created to provide students a quick and easy absolution without the humiliating experience of standing in line at the Basilica,” said Rayfa Loll. “When I’m in line, everyone just looks at me as if they know that I was the one who put the asbestos in Baumer’s drinking water. That makes me uncomfortable.”
Notre Dame’s rigorous academic schedule made it difficult for students to receive confession. This hotline was an easy fix to the problem. Their jingle even made a comforting appeal as well: “To Avoid Being Possessed, Call 1-800-CONFESS!”
After a month of success, it expanded to a 24/7 service. “We wanted to make ourselves available for everyone at any time,” said Fr. Doug. “Unfortunately, the hotline received a lot of prank calls.”
He continued, “One time a kid confessed arson on Ryan Hall. I just hung up the phone. Thankfully he was lying. Another time, a student offered me eighty thousand dollars and a free trip to Kokomo in exchange for permanent indulgence. He may have been bluffing, but that one was tempting …”
Though the hotline faced challenges, it persisted. That was, until the interns arrived. According to our whistleblower, one priest in particular would let their student interns take the night shift on weekdays. “God doesn’t rest, but I do,” said Fr. José Siesta.
This information was uncovered by a freshman in Fisher Hall. “I called the hotline after a long day of academic dishonesty, and I suspected I wasn’t speaking with a priest. I expected to hear some comforting words of advice after my confession. Instead I heard, ‘Bro, don’t even worry about it. I cheat all the time in my physics class, and the TA never notices. She’s also super hot.’”
The line was traced to the eighth floor of the Hesburgh Library, and I decided to return to my investigative work. I dressed up as a visiting priest with a name tag labeled, ‘Father Daniel Tuttle’ and quickly rushed to the scene.
I searched until I found a large office in the back. There, I found some suspicious interns, one of whom was talking to a penitent, saying, “Dude, I threw one of those Grubhub bots in the lake too, you’re totally fine.”
I began to investigate the scene of the crime more thoroughly. Behind the intern desks were chalkboards filled with sins and tally marks. At first I thought they were forming a statistical analysis of confessions. But when I saw the cash I smelled gambling. Feeling nauseated, I called my mom immediately.
The chalkboard revealed that in the second week in September, callers confessed vehicular manslaughter just once, vandalism twelve times, and 305 times for impure thoughts. “Certain students really need to dress more modestly,” said an overwhelmed freshman. “The boys wearing leggings to Mass are killing me.”
Police confirmed that a significant amount of confessions were not administered by a priest. “We’re tracing all the non-priestly calls right now. If we can catch the person who committed vehicular manslaughter, their case is admissible in court.
To issue a complaint, please contact Joe Rudolph at jrudolp3@nd.edu.
Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons
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