Inclusive Council Excludes Every Other Suggestion
On Saturday, the Notre Dame Office of Belonging and Engagement (OBE) sponsored a forum to discuss a new mascot for the university. Attendees debated fiercely for eight hours in search of a “more inclusive” logo.
Representatives from the DEI Sister Thea Bowman Center, Multicultural Students Programs and Services, Gender Relations Center, and Office of Student Enrichment filled Dahnke Ballroom as the day began. OBE Director Hugh B. Long opened with remarks on the need for a new mascot, calling the Fighting Irish “outdated, offensive, and, worst of all, exclusive.”
Long read a list of several groups excluded by the Fighting Irish mascot, including “people who aren’t Irish, people who are Irish but don’t like leprechauns, people who don’t have beards, people who do have beards but wish they didn’t, and people who don’t like green.”
After several hours of discussions, debates, small group sessions, large group sessions, medium group sessions, and braiding circles, a new mascot was proposed. Long took the microphone and announced that Notre Dame would now be known as the “Fighting Western Europeans.” “This way, we ensure that other countries feel a sense of belonging, inclusiveness, and acceptance,” he explained.
Immediately, the room erupted with shouts. Representatives from the German and Polish groups charged the stage and forcefully shoved Long from his podium. One German student, Karl Opfer, grabbed the microphone and announced, “We have been silenced for too long! The West will no longer rule the cathedral of college football.” After whispers to his Polish peers, Opfer asked, “What about the ‘Fighting Europeans?’”
Screams once again filled Dahnke Ballroom. Opfer was booed offstage as shouts of “Eurocentric!” “No fair!” “You big meanies!” came from the DEI Sister Thea Bowman table. Several administrators from the Multicultural Student Programs could be seen weeping.
After all participants were provided with a therapy dog, Long once again took the stage. “We have come up with a mascot who will perfectly embody Notre Dame’s commitment to inclusion, integration, and fellowship,” he said. “The Fighting Humans.”
Several members of the Gender Relations Center ran to the podium and tackled Long in I-formation. GRC Director Patrice Yarkey took the microphone and began a 20-minute speech, focusing on the word “human.” “Saying human is basically saying man, which is basically saying that women don’t matter, which is basically super sexist,” Yarkey stated. “Oh, and we can’t say fighting either. Fighting basically means that boys are stronger than girls which basically means that girls suck, which is basically super sexist.” The Peace Studies graduate students echoed the sentiment.
While participants began discussions among themselves, Long crawled to the podium and called for attention again. After a long apology to Yarkey and other GRC staffers, Long tentatively proposed another mascot: “In honor of our commitment to honoring diverse perspectives, how about the ‘Bridge-Building People?’”
Although the idea was cheered by delegates from the DEI Sister Thea Bowman Center, one participant from the Office of Student Enrichment threw a chair at Long and yelled, “What about people who can’t build bridges, huh?” Another OSE member tore his shirt and exclaimed, “What about the environment?”
Chaos erupted as attendees began shouting their own ideas across the room. “How about the ‘Notre Dame People Who Do Sports?’” one cried. “What if I don’t wanna play sports?” answered another. One representative offered “People Who Win Games,” which was quickly decried for “misidentifying teams that lose.” A desperate participant from PrismND suggested the “People Who Like Notre Dame” but was called out for “excluding people who identify as not liking Notre Dame.”
After another hour of debates, and several representatives visiting the “exclusivity rage room,” Long entered the stage, notably missing a shoe and several teeth. “Thank you all so much for your excitement and energy,” he said quietly. “I am pleased to announce that we have finally landed on a mascot we believe will be truly inclusive: The Notre Dame Moderate People Who May Or May Not Do Sports.”
One visiting delegate from PETA tried to protest the exclusion of animals, but was quickly booed by every person in the room.
Haley Garecht is a senior studying political science. If you liked her piece more than Mr. Whitaker’s, feel free to vote by emailing her at hgarecht@nd.edu
Photo Credit: Irish Rover
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