March 2, 2011


1. Irish Men’s Basketball – All they do is win, win, win, no matter what. It’s official. Ben Hansbrough and company made it an undefeated regular season at home by shellacking Nova 93-72. Not only that, but the Irish drained 60 points worth of three-pointers on the scared-stiff cats. Heck, even Tom Kopko bulldozed a couple players to get the shooter’s role on his two points. You won’t see a tail whipping like that until the reappearance of bookstore basketball. In the end, there’s only one thing that matters: when Jack “Demi-Gody/Haran-” Cooley is on the floor, we can do no wrong.

2. Highlander Highrise – On Saturday, February 26, the Duncan Highlanders raided Chicago for the first ever Highlander Highrise. The event was held at the “Whatcha talkin’ about Willis” tower (formerly the still the Sears Tower). Residents and their guests departed campus at 6 PM and arrived at the tower at 8 PM, where they were wined and dined on the 99th floor by several servers named Jeeves. It was a quick elevator ride to the 103rd floor and the infamous glass observation boxes. It was only a slightly frightening experience, and I promise I wasn’t simultaneously crying and clutching my date’s arm (thanks Lindsay). Celebrities in appearance: Hall president CJ Kelly; Rector extraordinaire Fr. Tom Eckert; DJ BMall and his Jeopardy star assistant, and Oprah Winfrey.

3. The FAFSA and CSS Profile – The FREE Application for Federal Student Aid and the not free application that asks a few more questions than the free one. Normally, I hate paperwork, but this paperwork I adore. It’s like I’m filling out a lottery ticket knowing that it’s sure to be at least a partial winner. I treat it like it’s my acceptance letter to Notre Dame every year. “Dear Michael, we’re pleased to inform you that you won’t have to commit grand larceny to afford a Notre Dame education this year.” Remember to always Holla Back because otherwise you’ll be back home hooting and hollering, wishing you were here. Thanks Notre Dame!


1. Iran and the 2012 Olympics – As if the Middle East didn’t have bigger problems, Iran has protested the logo for the 2012 Olympic games in London. The country’s leaders claim that it is racist because the block numerals spell the word Zion, which refers to the city of Jerusalem.  They’ve even, oh my gosh, threatened to boycott the Olympics in London. I have only two thoughts on the issue. I think they should have objected just because it’s a terrible logo. There are how many graphic design majors on campus? Any one of them could have done better than the Fred Flintstone the Olympic committee hired to sit at his dinner table with his chisel. Secondly, Iran, if you don’t come we’re all going to be really disappointed that Hadi Saei, your only 2008 gold medalist, won’t repeat in the Men’s 80 kg Taekwondo event. L

2. The little annoying things – Running out of lead for your mechanical pencil during an exam. Showing up to the DH at 8:00 PM on a Sunday having forgotten it closes at 7:30 PM. Crashing your bike into a snow bank. Waking up to a 2:00 AM fire alarm because of the dummy who forgot to put water in his microwave Easy Mac. That one email you were supposed to respond to that you didn’t. Thinking that because the sun is out in the winter it must be warm, but it’s actually colder. Falling out of your loft. Having to go to one event when you’d love to go to another. Being told you’re a terrible person for X, Y, and Z.

3. Spider Goggles – Perhaps one of the worst ideas for a game ever… behind the game, which I just lost. Imagine you’re walking in the dining hall and you turn to see your friends smiling and awaiting you. Those are normal friends… your friends. My friends on the other hand like to invert their hands and put the spider goggles over their eyes when they greet me. This is the attack part of the game. If you look at someone who has the goggles on, you have to lie on the ground for 10 seconds or do ten pushups. You can, however, block the attack. Just look away or put your hand up to your face and you’re fine. Great game, I know. Heck, with my credentials and rule knowledge, I’m likely to be hired as next year’s associate rules editor for the Quidditch club on campus.