Colin Devine, Humor Guru

A press release from the University of Notre Dame last Tuesday revealed shocking plans to tear down Notre Dame’s beloved O’Shaughnessy Hall.  This project is part of extensive landscaping renovations and will begin after commencement.  In so doing, the Notre Dame board of directors hopes to expedite construction on the liberal arts program’s newest flagship program—a zen garden.

The statement released reads: “In order to inspire minds, hearts, and souls, we have realized that our liberal arts students need to take what they learn beyond a classroom.  The destruction of O’Shag will not be the end of the liberal arts program, but will endow the College of Arts and Letters with a new identity.  Immersed in an oasis of calm and tranquility, students will study great literature, ponder eternal mysteries, and, ultimately, attempt to find themselves while balancing their yin and yang.”

While many are apprehensive about the change, some students seem to embrace it.  The consensus among them: college life is stressful. “We work our tails off five days a week!” says Felicia Evangelista, a sophomore.  “What students need is a chance to learn in a relaxed environment.”

Another unnamed freshman reflected, “I don’t know exactly what a “zen-garden” is, but I feel like it something that someone from my generation should be into, so it sounds awesome to me.”

The theology department does not share this enthusiasm.  Department head, Gage Renhold, released the following eloquent statement: “In the words of St. George, ‘Get these snakes off the plane! By ‘plane’ I mean Notre Dame and by ‘snakes’ I mean zen garden.”

Not to be outdone, the Office of the President quickly responded to the concerns of the theology department: “We have heard and respect the valid concerns of our distinguished Theology department and maintain our deep commitment to our Catholic identity.  Therefore, we have decided to enact a life-sized topiary representation of Father Sorin in the forthcoming renovations.”  It is still uncertain what impact the new topiary will have on the sales of the Fr. Sorin action figure that has been flying off the shelves in the bookstore.

Many students around campus seem genuinely excited by what they perceive to be the first real landscaping change campus has seen in years.  Several seniors walking around campus were overheard reflecting that the freshman were “so lucky” that Notre Dame had finally decided that they cared about its aesthetic image. His friend responded that he “would do anything” to have spent four years on a campus that actually attempted to improve the landscaping.

Several hours after the decision was announced, criticisms began to circulate that insinuated the choice to destroy O’Shag was only possible because the Board of Directors was bribed.  Allegedly, the professor leading the push to demolish began his speech by informing the board that if they took this drastic step, enough revenue would be generated to supplement the typical Chipotle burritos served at the Board of Director meetings with chips and guacamole.

One member of the Board of directors who voted “yes” to the motion to destroy O’Shag was overheard after the meeting saying that even though he was initially “appalled” at the possibility of destroying the architectural masterpiece that is O’Shaughnessy Hall, the possibility of guacamole was simply “irresistible.”   It should be noted that Ivy League schools have offered guacamole and chips at their board meetings since early 1999, and part of this decision could be seen as a response to ridicule that Notre Dame was “archaic” and “just a little weird” for not offering these delicious options to their Board of Directors.

How the campus will deal with these changes, however, only time will tell.  Of course, there are indicators.  Zahm House reportedly has draped a sign across O’Shag’s façade: “Et tu, Brute,” it reads. Even our beloved Father Hesburgh has been heard frantically pacing his study atop the library, fearing the day where bookshelves will be traded for ellipticals. (Guac goes straight to the thighs).

Colin Devine is a sophomore studying finance and PLS.  He doesn’t like Chipotle as much as this article would imply, but it’s still excessive.