Virtue is its own reward: Genuinely philanthropic student called “worn-out cliché”

James E. Vil, Staff Writer

Last Friday night, Notre Dame student Emma Major was once again reduced to tears as her closest friends called her names like “try-hard,” “cliché-girl” and “homeless helper.” This stream of hatred and ill-will has been an ongoing problem for the genuinely kind and philanthropic girl, ever since she revealed her desire to help other people.

“It’s just so tough,” sniffled Emma, “when no one believes you actually want to help other people out of the goodness of your heart. Whenever I talk to my friends about traveling to the local soup kitchen or helping out at an inner-city high school, I get so much negative feedback.”

When questioned about the odd situation, Emma’s friends stated that their résumés were already padded enough. Freshman Jenny Nes elaborated on this idea: “It’s just like, come on. I already spent a week in Africa last summer in order to beef up my résumé. I don’t need to pretend to help people until at least next year.”

Another one of Emma’s friends, Lily, commented on her hatred of Emma.

“I just can’t stand that girl,” she said. “She always wants to do good for others and love the people who are mean to her. That kind of deep and inherent kindness is just sickening to me.”

Lily later argued that girls like Emma shouldn’t even exist, that Emma is in fact a walking cliché who has no place in a modern society.

“Emma needs to learn the difference between looking good to others and actually wasting time doing good,” says Lily. “Why put in any extra effort if you aren’t going to be awarded with scholarships or recognition?”

It appears Emma is finally learning her lesson. Where she once spent her weekends working on community service events, she has finally started to cut back and spend more time on important pursuits, like painting her nails and gossiping behind her friends’ backs.

“We are really starting to see an improvement in Emma,” says Jenny. “Hopefully, by the end of this year we can get her to care more about the latest skirt trend then about helping suffering people. But baby steps, baby steps.”

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Notre Dame to remove complimentary oxygen: Officials declare intent to remove free oxygen from all residence halls

Bon J-Vi, Staff Writer

“In the past, we provided complimentary oxygen in the dorms, as it is generally needed for human life to exist,” university spokeswoman Jenny Humphry said in a recent news release. “However, cost-cutting measures are forcing us to charge students to pay a monthly fee in order to breathe when inside their rooms.”

While this move may seem draconian, the university stresses that it is cognizant of the financial difficulties of many of its students. For those students unable to pay the monthly fee for oxygen, the university has created an ‘oxygen plan,’ which allows 15 breaths a day per student, with a special 20 breath allowance for the weekends.

Students will also be given oxygen points, which can be spent to buy oxygen for friends who may begin to die of asphyxiation. Anyone who refuses to pay the fee will be forced to hold her breath when walking through any resident facilities.

This move is the latest in a stream of increased university costs, which started last year with students being required to pay for the privilege of walking on university paved roads, and includes last summer’s announcement that students would pay additional charges for dorm shower privileges.

“Tuition prices of $60,000 a year might seem like a lot,” says school administrator Blair Waldorf, “but it actually just barely covers the costs of pampering alumni, installing jacuzzis in the administrative offices, and flying in French caviar.”

Moving forward, students should expect to face similar rising costs, as Notre Dame struggles to find new and innovative ways to burden their students with more financial debt. With most of the traditional methods exhausted, Notre Dame officials pledge to work even harder to ensure that no student can graduate without overwhelming academic debt, fulfilling their motto: “No student left behind.”

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University to make switch to co-ed dorms: New decision will allow men, women to meet members of opposite sex

Denny Daniels, Staff Writer

On March 24, university officials announced a new phase of the Campus Crossroads project that involves desegregating campus residence halls. For the first time in university history, dorms will be co-ed.

“After evaluating the current state of student life, we have decided that the time has come to allow men and women of Notre Dame to occupy the same dorms,” the project’s official webpage says. “Our peer institutions have long allowed for co-ed residential life, and we feel that we must adapt in order to compete with them on all planes.”

The decision came after extensive study of peer institutions, Observer Viewpoints and interviews with disgruntled students who claim the university is “too Catholic.”

“We are sympathetic to complaints that gender relations on campus—the university’s chief concern—are difficult for students and could be completely fixed with this one change,” university spokesperson Blair Waldorf explained in an email to the Red Rover.

When the Red Rover asked about the university’s Catholic identity, Waldorf said: “No need to worry—it’s not like we’re not demolishing any of the chapels, and a priest will still be president of the university. We feel that we’re not compromising the integrity of the school at all. We simply don’t want to offend any non-Catholic students. Alumni also pledged huge donations when we first pitched the idea of co-ed dorms.”

Students have met the announcement with mostly favorable reactions. Senior Mark Wiseau expressed a bittersweet sentiment at the recent announcement.

“In my four years here, I never even saw a girl on campus because gender relations are so awkward,” Wiseau remarked. “It’s exciting that my underclassmen friends will potentially know girls’ names now, but I’m really bummed that they decided to do this when I’m graduating.”

Junior Lisa Sestero commented: “I’m personally really excited. Girls’ dorms just don’t have any fun. I can’t wait to do the Bun Run with my new brothers!”