We’ve been married for a whopping eight months after about five years of dating and engagement shenanigans—plenty of experience to give sage advice on relationships, marriage, and all things L-O-V-E, right? So take this column with a grain of salt.

As tempting as it may be to write an article on everything we know about love, relationships, and marriage, we are actually writing to caution you against reading articles that claim to have “the answer(s)” for your relationship. In fact, we have a bone to pick with some of these articles, as they have created some unnecessary strife for us and others we know. Interested in hearing why? In the spirit of these denounced relationship articles, here are four easy-to-read points for you to chew on:

Reason number one: Comparisons are divisive. When you read an article entitled something like, “Reasons you should marry a Gilbert Blythe,” or “Ways to know if she is putting you in the friend-zone,” how can you not compare your own reality to the one being presented to you? If you are like us, you might read said article and come to the quick conclusion that what you have is less a relationship and more a one-way ticket to certain misery.

More often than not, these articles supply more consternation than comfort for your budding relationship, as you unwittingly compare it to someone else’s ideal. Yet these articles maintain their appeal because you want your relationship to be validated and affirmed by the “50 Reasons S/He Is The One!” You are drawn in by the hope that all systems are a “Go!” for you and your S.O. (“significant other”), only to be left disappointed or afraid that something is seriously lacking. What started as an innocent insecurity needing validation or affirmation transforms into anxiety, accusations, and problems where none existed in the first place.

Why does this happen? Because you want a good and fulfilling relationship and want something to confirm that you’ve found true love, but it’s hard to defend the status of your relationship when you pit it against unrealistic ideals. In short, these articles oftentimes are unbalanced in their presentation, showing you all that glitters without acknowledging the many imperfections that exist in every iteration of a good and fulfilling relationship. These comparisons create a false idol of who your perfect mate or perfect relationship could be, and robs you of the opportunity of true love, which is loving the quirks and annoyances of the weirdo sitting next to you.

Reason number two: Your relationship needs to be authentic. Relationship articles are written from the perspective of a particular person who has a particular set of experiences that you may never have in common. Articles entitled, “12 Characteristics of a Great Husband” and “7 Must Haves in Your Future Wife” are written with good intentions, but the seven and 12 pointers might turn out to be very different from what you actually need in a spouse. By subjecting your own needs to the authority of a faceless internet relationship guru—who, let’s face it, might turn out to be no more than a very opinionated person with no actual credentials—you are depriving yourself of the discerning, thoughtful autonomy you ought to have in a relationship which ultimately, will lead you to the person who is going to be your vocation.

Reason number three: Commitment is the key. Many of the articles that you will read floating around the Internet draw you in by appealing to your feelings and the emotional experience of a relationship. Very rarely do these authors articulate or discuss the real demand on your ability to commit in a way that reflects the actual experience of a lifelong relationship.

What the actual science of relationships says (and here we are thinking about the research that has and is being done by the likes of Brad Wilcox at the University of Virginia and John Gottman and Julie Schwartz at the University of Washington) is that a significant predictor of long-term relationship success is the partners’ commitment to their relationship. Of course, there are exceptions to this in cases such as abusive and/or dysfunctional relationships, but we are not talking about these kinds of extraordinary situations and never intend to treat them without the gravity they deserve.

In terms of the ways in which two personalities rub up against each other, one of the most important qualities of a relationship is the ability of the two personalities to resolve to get along instead of giving up. This point does not get mentioned often in your typical relationship article, beyond the point of “Do you feel like you can get along with this person forever?” There will be times when you won’t feel like getting along with your spouse, or boy/girlfriend. This we—and any truly honest person—can guarantee to you.

However, this “not getting along” is somewhat similar to the way that you might not feel like getting along with your brother or your mom. It happens in all relationships where two people function in close proximity for extended periods of time; they drive you so crazy that you think your face might melt off. In those moments, though, you must make the fundamental decision, “Can I choose to get along with this person for the sake of the relationship?”

The answer to this question leads us to our last point.

Reason number four: Sometimes, the problem is you. One of the biggest realizations of marriage is that you are a much more selfish person than you thought you were. This epiphany can be quite a rude awakening but is nonetheless good for you to realize. However, most relationship articles advise you to identify problems outside of and around you, rather than looking introspectively at personal issues that may impede you from loving in the way that you ought.

Don’t go looking for an article to help you figure out what is wrong with you, either, because there isn’t one that can speak to your particular struggles and shortcomings. Rather, go to those who love you—your parents, siblings, dear friends, a trusted advisor, or to Jesus in prayer. You need someone who knows and understands you well enough to tell you how you can do better. In short, be careful of the articles that blame circumstances, character traits, or your significant other, and take some time to consider how you need to be better.

As ironic as it is that we wrote a relationship article against relationship articles, we encourage you to read this article and others with a selective eye. Be careful of the comparisons, lend credence to your unique experiences, examine your own shortcomings, and seek always to remain faithful and committed to the man or woman you are called to marry.

Mary (Daly) Korson (’10, ’15) served as Editor-In-Chief of the Rover as a senior. Ray Korson (’11, ’14) joined the Rover as Campus Editor because he thought Mary was cute and had read an article entitled, “How to hopelessly chase after a girl who may or may not be interested in you.”