Women exercise their womanhood to pen a liberated letter

The women of the Irish Rover have decided to clear up any misconceptions about how we are treated in the newspaper. 

First, we did NOT join the newspaper to find good husbands. While data indicates that half of the Rover women have at least once romantically held hands with a male staff member, and the majority have done so much more, Social Media Coordinator Lauren Douglas commented, “We don’t need the Irish Rover for our marital goals—that’s what daily Mass is for.”

In fact, we are quite the liberated group of women. As the Layout Manager, with the permission of my fiancé, I myself find that I am surrounded solely by men at 3 AM on a regular basis … on the 4th floor of Geddes Hall on publishing night. 

Admittedly there have been some incidents over the years that have made me wonder whether the Rover’s women have gone too far with their liberation. In fact, in recent years, the Rover’s women have begun publishing under their own names, which caused quite a scandal with John Hale, who ghost-wrote all of his sister’s articles this year. 

What’s more, Social Media Coordinator Catalina Scheider Galiñanes, reportedly wore leggings in the Basilica last weekend. The timing was unfortunate—her actions resulted in the editorial board cutting a recent interview with the woman who gloriously protected her sons from activity-inducing fabric in the Basilica. The article was originally titled “Booties in the Basilica are Back.”

Another misconception about the Rover women is the men’s poor treatment of them. In fact, I dub all the Rover’s men feminists. The males’ smoke-breaks used to feel exclusionary, but now they have peer-pressured enough Rover women to smoke, making the activity gender-inclusive. Additionally, for his most recent rager, Executive Editor Joshua Gilchrist reportedly purchased two bottles of rosé “for the girls.”

When future Editor-in-Chief Nico Schmitz was asked about what he thought of the Rover’s women, he rescinded, “The women at the Irish Rover are … well … I would definitely say at least that … What women?” Upon seeing Nico’s blank stare, I quickly turned to current Editor-in-Chief W. Joseph DeReuil and asked the same question. He declared to Nico, “How else do you think we got dinner at publishing night?” 

The women of the Irish Rover are glad to have this opportunity to clear up campus’ misled assumptions about us. Any theological questions about females may be directed to Religion Editor Paul Howard—he claims to know “a lot about women.”

Mia Tiwana is a woman.