Rest in Peanuts
In the buildup to Election Day, one of the most prominent issues was the tragic death of an instagram-famous New York City resident, Peanut the Squirrel. On October 30, state officials seized and euthanized the squirrel due to rabies accusations, but later test results showed that Peanut did not in fact have rabies. The story gained national media attention and is now widely believed to be the main reason that Trump won.
But recently, the squirrel controversy has reached Notre Dame’s campus. Students have reported an unusual number of dead and maimed squirrels on quads and sidewalks, and some have taken decisive action to end what they are calling “squirrel genocide.”
On November 16, the President’s office issued an address to the university titled “On the Squirrel Controversy.” The announcement begins, “We live in polarized times, and we witness this not only in national forums, but also in local communities. Regrettably, we occasionally see these tendencies manifested here in the Notre Dame community. It is timely to remind ourselves of the ideals we espouse and the community we strive to be.”
Acorna Sciurus, president of the newly-formed student club Squirrel Lives Also Matter (SLAM), told the Rover, “The university’s statement on the squirrel genocide is [expletive] absurd. It don’t say nothin’ but fluff. Them cuddly rodents are gettin’ rounded up and butchered, and I won’t stand by and watch.”
SLAM, now the most populous campus club with 5,869 members, organized a protest on November 19 titled, “Squirrel Day of Remembrance.” Students first marched to the Main Building and stood outside for several hours, repeatedly chanting, “Squirrel Lives Matter,” “No Squirrels, No Peace,” and “My Squirrel, My Choice.”
Protesters’ signs included messages such as “WE STAND WITH P’NUT,” graphic pictures of mutilated squirrels, and AI-generated images of squirrels in heaven.
Following the chants in front of the Main Building, protesters scurried to the Grotto for a prayer service. During the service, known squirrel-activist and TikTok influencer Lilly McRaffa addressed the crowd: “The squirrels whom we mourn today were just like us—fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, black and white, straight and gay. Their lives were violently ripped away, but THEY HAVE NOT DIED IN VAIN,” McRaffa shouted.
The final event of “Squirrel Day of Remembrance” was a “Grief Dinner Party,” held on South Quad to accommodate the number of participants.
Despite SLAM’s abundant membership, not all students agree with their claims.
Hundreds of students formed a secret society called the Community of Rodent-Aware People (CRAP). CRAP’s president wished to remain anonymous for safety concerns but goes by the code name “Goop Larvae.” Larvae told the Rover, “Have you seen those squirrels? They’re monsters! I don’t give a rat’s tail that all those stupid rodents are dead; in fact, I’m ecstatic.”
Later in the interview, Larvae denied accusations that CRAP was involved in the squirrel massacre: “What?? No, of course we aren’t the ones killing the squirrels. Frankly, I think it’s SLAM members who secretly kill them, and then they protest just to get attention. It’s a big hoax, and we’re being framed.”
Notre Dame’s Vice President of Student Conflict Management, Caroline Encompétente, remarked to the Rover, “This squirrel stuff is a huge problem. We haven’t seen this amount of student activism since Vietnam, and we don’t know how to resolve the issue.”
Encompétente continued, “The normal protocol is to consult the Vatican on how to address student disagreements related to moral questions. But after SLAM destroyed all the South Bend cell towers and blockaded the campus entrances, we’re kinda stuck.”
When asked about the two sides of the squirrel controversy, the Office of the President declined to comment extensively but remarked only, “There are some very fine people on both sides.”
The next SLAM-sponsored event is a November 26 lecture in DeBartolo 101 titled, “Thanksgiving for What? Squirrels are Dying!” CRAP has already announced that they will host a counter-protest on DeBart Quad during the event.
In addition to this lecture, the Kroc Center for International Peace Studies has announced a new division that will host panels and listening groups that will “immediately quell the conflict,” according to division director Significa Nada. The next panel will be held in Tokyo, Japan, on November 28.
Although Michael Canady is an official member of neither SLAM nor CRAP, he too mourns the deaths of the Notre Dame squirrels. Send him condolences at mcanady2@nd.edu.
Photo Credit: Irish Rover
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