The first shall be last, and the last shall be first
One can easily read in the pages of the Rover how the pursuit for academic excellence often needlessly comes at the expense of Notre Dame’s Catholic character. We like to say that the two goods are not mutually exclusive, but we see that sacrifices are often made nonetheless. This time, however, it’s, uh, different.
At a recent press conference, University President, Father Bob Dowd, C.S.C. explained how he had been deep in his contemplation of Scripture and reading of the Desert Fathers. His meditation on Matthew 5, the Beatitudes, and heavenly reward “really got [him] thinking.”
“Notre Dame so often strives to be ranked first in every category, whether it be faculty-to-student ratios, study abroad participation, or financial aid. But our Lord is so clear—the last shall be first! We know that everything sacrificed for Christ’s sake will be restored a hundredfold in heaven. The only way for Notre Dame to be number one in heaven is to become the least impressive school on earth.”
In order to secure Notre Dame’s place as dead last in faculty-to-student ratios, Fr. Dowd began his efforts to increase the student population and decrease the faculty. First, he announced that Notre Dame would be going test-optional, citing Matthew 7:1, “Judge not, that you not be judged.” He also removed any sort of cap from the number of students the university can accept per cycle. All applying high-school students are now functionally guaranteed a spot at Notre Dame, and Fr. Dowd anticipates the number of undergraduates rocketing up to 350,000 in the next academic year.
“Obviously we won’t be able to house all these students, and many will be relegated to living in tents around campus. But thankfully, this will destroy our ranking in student accommodations. ‘Blessed are the poor!’”
The new test-optional policy does not stop with SATs and ACTs; all examinations at the school are now opt-in. Fr. Dowd expects this to cause the general quality of education to plummet. “Don’t the saints teach how the simple, humble, and meek have a better chance of heaven? I’d rather not be the reason that someone studied, lest the Pharisaical pride of the educated endanger their souls.”
His plans to reduce the number of faculty evolved in stages. At first, his more moderate plan was to be strict about ensuring Notre Dame faculty are predominantly practicing Catholics. “But why stop there?” he mused, mid-press conference. “Why investigate the orthodoxy of our faculty when we can have one guaranteed ace in the hole?”
Effective immediately, the only faculty member of the University of Notre Dame is Pope Leo XIV. The curriculum for most students now consists in reading his papal exhortations and praying he releases an encyclical sometime soon. His Holiness graciously agreed to come give a single lecture per semester in-person. The university can now proudly boast a 1:350,000 faculty-to-student ratio: the worst in the nation by a factor of 10,000.
Fr. Dowd’s new extremism extends to all corners of the university. In order to devastate the football team’s rankings, he implemented a new policy which restricts the team’s roster to graduate students studying Peace Studies.
“‘Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God!’ ‘Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you!’ … ‘If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also!’ I fully expect this new team to hand the ball over when the other team seems to want it. If they get tackled, they’re going to get up and offer to be tackled again.”
The opportunity to study abroad is now limited to a single winner of a lottery, who spends a full year in Mishawaka, commuting to Bethel University.
In order to decrease the university’s graduation and retention rates, admissions has started admitting octogenarians into a new 30-year BA program, hoping they’ll kick the can before the halfway point.
To undercut the faculty’s great reputation as researchers, professors have been banned from publishing. With the great abundance of time on their hands, Notre Dame professors have finally gotten around to grading papers, with comments, on time. The students have all been rather pleased about this change, but it incited in most professors a deep sense of panic. “It’s a disaster!” commented one professor in the History department. “Who will read my monograph on the aesthetic evolution of Finnish doorknob design in light of the development of sexual liberation among Finnish (and nearby) transgender youths?”
“This rocks,” Fr. Dowd commented contentedly, as riots broke out among the many homeless freshmen and the library went up in flames. “Heaven-Notre Dame is gonna be awesome.”
James Whitaker is a graduate student in the Theology department. If you liked his piece more than Miss Garecht’s, feel free to vote by emailing him at jwhitak5@nd.edu
Photo Credit: Notre Dame Magazine
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