Imagine this: you are an incoming freshman at the University of Notre Dame, Our Lady’s University, the 3rd-ranked university in the nation. Well, 20th if you care about academics. It wasn’t too long ago that you were just a wee high schooler, screaming in jubilation upon opening your acceptance letter, watching your mother weep tears of joy because another one of her babies will become a Domer, and watching your dad smile as he mentally calculates how many years your tuition is pushing back his retirement.
Now, you have arrived on campus. Your parents have moved you into your dorm and departed; you met your random roommate, realized they are a lot shorter than their Instagram profile picture lets on, and breathed a sigh of relief upon discovering that they aren’t a stinky pothead—or that you aren’t living all the way in Carroll. All the sophomores and juniors in your dorm are affectionately calling you a “frosh” and assuring you that you will find your spouse at Domerfest. You have all your textbooks, you remembered to bring your four-function calculator, and you realized that buying three more fans might not be such a bad investment. You have also solidified your academic schedule, mapped out where all your classes are, and decided that you will definitely be choosing South over North Dining Hall.
You just got through syllabus week and are comfortably settling into your routines. Then, you hear the question: “Hey, are you on Fizz yet?” You have heard this word before: Fizz. At first, you thought people were talking about a new dietary supplement, but now you realize what it truly is: a campus-wide platform for people to anonymously post literally whatever slipped through their mental filters at any moment. Sounds like fun, right? So naturally, you whip out your phone, watch the Fizz app download, and open your account to start catching up on all the weighty intellectual material that you have been missing out on. Immediately, something catches your eye: an AI slop poster of … is that a rat donning sunglasses at a pool party surrounded by babes? Another gaudy poster jumps out at you: this time, it’s a horde of Vikings drinking apple juice out of horn tankards. Then you realize: Carroll and Siegfried Halls are throwing parties this weekend. Seemingly everyone is joining the debate: dorms are competing for attention and numbers, vying for the attendance of the masses, and the discussion quickly turns to slander: “Keough is bouse!” one anonymous intellectual cries. “No, Flaherty is touse. YOUR dorm is bouse!” someone replies.
At the beginning of each academic year, the debate is the same: which dorm is best and which is worst. Recently, the terms have shifted: “touse” (“top house”) is now the ultimate title of glory, while any dorm seen as subpar is immediately dubbed “bouse” (“bottom house”). If you were not yet familiar with these terms, I formally apologize for forcing these words into your lexicon. Ironically, these terms were originally coined to be used for Greek life, in which Notre Dame famously declines to partake.
If you are a freshman and found any of the above relatable or enlightening, then allow me to continue educating you. Here is everything you need to know about what is Touse and what is Bouse at Notre Dame.
Touse: The Basilica of the Sacred Heart. If you have not yet attended a function at the Basilica, I heartily recommend it, for multiple reasons: first, there is no cover charge. Forget about a $7 Venmo at the door: just walk right in and join the party. Second, the aux is always phenomenal. Depending on what time of day or night, the music is always a little different, and features different styles, but they never miss. Third, there is a little-known speakeasy-style lower section of the building known only as “The Crypt” that usually only throws parties during the ungodly hours of the morning. Fourth, and most importantly, the company is unbeatable. Have you ever walked into a party and thought: “Jesus Christ!”? Well, that happens pretty much every time at this place.
Bouse: Identifying Bouse poses even less of a challenge than Touse: it’s the Stepan Center. Quietly ruining the view of Ricci Fields, looking like a golf ball that was run over by a lawnmower, Stepan Center is where freshman dreams of a 4.0 GPA go to die. Anyone who has taken an exam there knows what I’m talking about. Imagine that you are a student at Hogwarts and taking an exam in the Great Hall, with the vast rows of desks set up in the open space, except Hogwarts looks like a prison gymnasium, and it smells like the carpet hasn’t been cleaned since the ‘60s.
Whether you prefer pool-going rats or debaucherous Vikings, I would recommend all freshman on campus follow the advice of the best post on Fizz by far this year, which read: “Instead of Fest Fest [Party], why don’t we have Rosary Fest, where instead of being debaucherous, we all just venerated Our Lady?” Seems like a more fitting start to the semester.
Joseph Ferguson is a senior studying PLS and Business Economics. Reach out to him at jfergu22@nd.edu for advice as to how to be present at three Domerfests in a row.