Kyle Sladek, Staff Writer

This article is the fourth installment in a series that will interview various individuals and couples about vocation, discernment, and the celebration of diverse forms of holiness. Here, First Year of Studies Advising Faculty member and married deacon Mel Tardy discusses his own story and vocation.

Sladek: How did you become a permanent deacon?

Tardy: After five years of formation and discernment, I was ordained in May 2011 as part of the first class of permanent deacons to be ordained for the Diocese of Fort Wayne-South Bend in 28 years.  Bishop D’Arcy, God rest his soul, started the permanent diaconate, but Bishop Rhoades ordained me.  Both have been very supportive.

What is it like being a permanent deacon?

While I work full time at Notre Dame, I am assigned to St. Augustine Parish on the west side of South Bend, a small, historically African-American parish.  It was founded in 1928 in order to serve African-Americans who did not feel welcome at other South Bend parishes back then.  Now there are African-Americans, Caucasians, Hispanics and Asians at the parish.  Because the parish is small, there are few baptisms and weddings.  I have not yet performed a marriage, funeral or baptism, but several folks have mentioned that a baptism will be forthcoming.  I am looking forward to these baptisms more than potential funerals!

The charisms of the deacon are to proclaim the word, to serve at liturgy and to practice charity.  At Mass the deacon leads the penitential rite.  The deacon always proclaims the Gospel, even if the Pope is present.  I like that part!  The deacon can give the homily.  My pastor has been very good about letting me give homilies.  The deacon usually leads the prayers of the faithful, and we say the lines, “let us offer each other the sign of Christ’s peace” and “Go in peace.”  The deacon also sets up the altar and purifies the vessels.  All of these Mass parts are interfaces with the congregation.  The deacon is the liaison between the faithful and the priest.  The priest does the things that interface directly with God because he stands in the person of Christ.  The deacon also helps out those who cannot get to Mass every weekend.

As a deacon, I lead RCIA preparation at our parish as well as youth ministry.  These involve proclaiming the Word, so they are an extension of my capacity as deacon.  I see myself as bringing the Word to people.  I used to be the choir director at my parish before I was ordained.  I just had faith that whatever serving as a deacon entailed, God would make it worth the sacrifice of music ministry, and He has.

As a deacon, I do a lot with youth outreach in the community, not only for Catholic children.  We’re in an area where a lot of families are struggling, so we create programs that youth can come to.  I also like to work with folks who are already married in order that they might come to understand marriage as a sacrament.  As a married cleric, it holds a special place in my heart that maybe I could be of some help to other married couples.

A lot of people don’t know the difference between a deacon and a priest.  When I was just ordained, people at my parish would approach me and say, “hello, Father!”  I would tell them that I am a deacon, not a priest.  Then they would say, “hello, Father Deacon!”

On the other hand, some people would still say, “hey, Mel!”  After a while, I had to tell them that they should refer to me as “Deacon.”  It was the same way in the office here.  I ask that folks around here call me “Deacon Tardy” so that students know what to call me.  When someone calls me deacon, it reminds me of that vocation.  I’m a deacon 24/7, not just sometimes.  My wife can call me whatever she wants!

How would you describe vocation in a general sense?

To discover your vocation is to ask, “What am I called to do?  How am I to use the gifts God has given to me to serve Him and His creation?”  The Catechism states that love is the vocation of everyone.  Thus to discover your vocation is to ask, “How do I love?  How do I use my gifts to serve others and to serve God?”

Does your vocation as a father influence your diaconal ministry in any direct ways?

My kids are all grown.  When I do homilies, I try to insert the perspective of one who is married and has children since this a perspective that the priest does not have.  My family members pop up in my homilies from time to time.

How did you come to discover your vocation to the diaconate and to marriage?

I first started thinking about diaconate when I was at a church function in Atlanta at which there were a number of bishops, priests and deacons.  As a father, I would make sure that when we traveled as a family, we went to Mass on Sunday and to other church events as we happened upon them so that my children knew that you still make time for God, even during travel.  I talked to a deacon and asked him about what he did.  All I remember is that he said he was married, so I thought to myself, “hey, maybe that’s something I could do.”

When we came back, I talked to my pastor.  He told me that we didn’t have a diaconate program in this diocese and that I would have to go somewhere else to be ordained.  I put it out of my mind and thought, “If God wants me to be a deacon, then He will create a deacon program.”  Sure enough, five years later He created one.

In formation for the diaconate, it was made clear that our first vocation, our first obligation, was to our marriage.  If we are ordained deacons, it has to be something that doesn’t interfere with our marriage.  They ask you how your marriage is on a regular basis throughout discernment and formation, and they ask you how your marriage is each year when the married deacons meet.  They ask, “do you have time to pray with your wife?  Do you make time for each other?”  Fortunately I can usually say yes to these questions.  My wife has been very supportive.  They include the wives in all the classes so that they know what we will be encountering as deacons.  So my wife has had roughly four years of theology as well!  All the deacon-candidates and wives in our class bonded together, which is great because now there is a community in which we can work.

Did you ever consider a vocation other than the one you are now living?

My whole life I felt that I was called to do something.  When I was younger, I thought that I might be a priest.  I also thought that I felt called to date and to get married and to have a family.  I sort of had an agreement with God that if I wasn’t married by the time I was 33, I would look into becoming a priest.  I got married when I was 33!  At least I think I was 33.  Maybe I was engaged by 33.  Later I learned that I was called to be a deacon.

At what point in your life did you become aware of the concept of vocation, and how did this affect you?

Honestly, fairly recently.  I hadn’t really even considered the idea of vocation.  The only concept I had of vocation was priesthood.  I never really thought of consecrated religious sisters as a vocation, probably because I’m a guy.  I hadn’t thought about brothers, either.  Even as lay people, I hadn’t thought that we all have a vocation of some kind because we all have gifts and we all have some way in which we can serve and share our gifts.

What is the most rewarding aspect of your vocation?

The most rewarding aspect is similar for the husband and the deacon.  It is bringing an awareness of God to those who might not have this awareness.  As a father, you realize that if you don’t believe in something, if you don’t hold firmly to it and teach it to your kids, then they might not ever come to understand faith.  They might not have a journey toward God if you leave it to chance.  In my marriage, I always tell my wife, “you are my sacrament.”  She likes that because it’s a different way of thinking about marriage.  It’s me and you and God.  We always think about it that way, so that when there are difficult times we know to ask the third person in our marriage.

As a deacon, it is great to have the opportunity to teach about the Sacraments in RCIA, to preach about God in homilies, and to go out and talk to people about who God is and to see what their questions and concerns are.  A lot of people have misconceptions about the Church and the faith.  It is great to have conversations in which people come to feel more comfortable with God or with being Catholic, or if they are not Catholic, then with being comfortable with Catholics.  I’m fortunate to have had the formation that allows me to be comfortable having these discussions.

These two vocations are intertwined; they meet at an intersection at which is God and love.  Conversations with your daughter or your son help you to grow, as well: conversations about morality, about why it’s difficult being a Christian, about why you might be lonely sometimes, about how Jesus went through the same persecutions.  These conversations help you think about what you are doing along these lines.  Am I willing to witness?  Am I willing to stand firm?  What blind spots do I have that I need to pray more about, to study more about, to ask someone about?

What is the most challenging aspect of your vocation?

The most challenging aspect of being married while having an obligation to serve the Bishop and the Church is balance.  Balancing ministry with time with my wife is challenging.  My kids are grown, but parenting never ends—you love your kids and you want to be around them, so this balance is a challenge.

Another challenge is finding out what are the boundaries as a husband in ministry.  There are some things that I think I should do, but my wife might not be all that comfortable with it.  She’ll communicate this to me, saying, “maybe we should do these things together, as opposed to you doing this alone.”  These are things like visiting people in their homes, that sort of thing.  There are some things we just won’t do at all.

As far as being a deacon per se, there’s a lot that you realize you don’t know.  You realize your limitations, your weaknesses.  I’ve come to rely a lot more on prayer.  Saint Paul says, “it is when I am weak that I am strong.”  Sometimes I’ll try to do something and realize that I’m trying to do it myself and that that’s why I’m struggling.   I need to turn it over to God and say, “God, just use me.”  I have to let go and allow God to work through me.  I have to get out of God’s way, and I find that prayer and staying humble is the best way to do that.

What role does prayer play in your vocation?

A deacon is called to pray the Liturgy of the Hours every day of his life.  Deacons pray morning prayer and evening prayer, while priests pray all five hours.  Some deacons pray more than just morning prayer and evening prayer, which is what I am trying to do for Lent.

In general, it is impossible to do ministry without prayer.  Prayer is absolutely essential.  Whether you are doing regular community service or whether you are in a ministry as an ordained person, you cannot be an effective minister of God if you do not pray.  Prayer is your ongoing relationship with God.  I see a lot of people, even priests and sisters and deacons, who try to do ministry but are so busy that their prayer life suffers—they get tired and say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing.  You have to constantly recharge with prayer and say, “God, am I doing Your will or mine?”

That being said, I don’t pray enough.  I’m always challenging myself to put in more time for prayer.  When I can I go to daily Mass.  I try to make time throughout the day to pray.  I try to pray with my wife.  This helps us in our sacrament.  We can never pray too much.

Any advice for young people discerning their vocation?

Take the time to actively explore it, to pray about it, and to ask people about it.  When I was a kid thinking about the priesthood, I don’t think I ever asked any priests about it.  Students at Notre Dame have a lot of different resources: priests, sisters, brothers, active lay ministers, theologians and married couples.  People should understand that marriage is a gift from God and a wonderful calling, a wonderful vocation.  The way society talks about marriage doesn’t do justice to what marriage is.  If you are considering priesthood or religious life, you may be the one God is calling because we are sorely in need of people to do these things.  If anybody wants to be a deacon, let me know!

Any final thoughts?

People, even clerics, are human.  This is a gift.  Now that I am a deacon, I see the humanity from the other side.  It is a struggle for a cleric like it is for anybody else, but it makes us who we are.

Kyle Sladek is a senior studying philosophy and theology. Contact him at ksladek@nd.edu.