Declan Feeley, Humor Apprentice


Family, friends, mechanical pencils, soap, warm showers, acorns, those little crab apple things that I love to throw, huge squirrels, hugs, happiness, hope, seeing freshmen stop and gasp when they see a squirrel, that sense of wonder over animal life that only comes from a city childhood full of asphalt and metal monkey bars, bowties (God bless ‘em.  Anyone who goes through the grueling ordeal of tying a bowtie every day earns my instant respect), awesome nalgenes with stickers on them, that one person you know who has a really great laugh, screensavers of fires that make you feel a bit warmer, foosball, waterfalls, winks, wrapping paper, existence and grace.  

Happy belated Thanksgiving from your friendly neighborhood Humor Guru and Humor Apprentice.


People who bemoan the end of football season.  Yes, we are all sad it’s over, but now you actually have to think about conversation-starters instead of repeating the latest ESPN football announcer verbatim. If you are an ESPN football announcer, well, I suppose you have to stop quoting yourself so much.  

Really bad lip-syncing in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  I get that you “have” to do it, but at least don’t miss your cue to start singing.  That’s why it’s a cue. If you didn’t see the parade, this jeer will make no sense to you; if you did, you’ll want to buy me a pumpkin spice latte because you’ll be so glad someone else noticed it.  

Leaf-blowers.  Please permit me a brief rant.  You never work, have never worked, and are simply the result of an odd marriage of the lawn mower and yard rake.  Stick with the parents and only use the leaf-blower if you need to choreograph a bizarre elementary school dance in your backyard.

Declan Feeley is a freshman finance and theology major from LA. He is currently shivering under a pile of blankets in his dorm room, but if you would like you can contact him at