Kroc Center finds, world yet to be informed

The Kroc Center for International Peace Studies, known across campus for their seminars, lectures, addresses, webinars, colloquia, dialogues, keynotes, symposia, workshops, addresses, panels, fora, symposia, roundtables, conferences, webinars, addresses, conventions, retreats, keynotes, colloquia, and talks (not to mention their renowned discussions) recently announced that world peace is finally achievable with “just one more interfaith panel.” 

This is a more optimistic view than the one that the Kroc Center has long maintained; for the last ten years, world peace has been “two to four more lectures away.” The furthest the world has ever been from peace was in 2003, when the Kroc Center estimated that it would take as many as fifteen more colloquia to finally end war globally, a huge increase from the six symposia that Francis Fukuyama thought were needed at the end of the nineties.

For more information about the new estimate, the Rover spoke with Emily Cumenism, director of the Kroc Center’s “Just One More” initiative. “Just One More” is aimed at continuously bringing about world peace through “the next event.” 

“Our current theory,” Ms. Cumenism explained, “is that after our next interfaith seminar, the chemical reactions involved in the use of gunpowder will stop working. There’s another camp, although they’re less popular at the Kroc Center, that believes that when the Israelis, Palestinians, Ukrainians, Russians, Azerbaijanis, Armenians, Chinese, Venezuelans, Haitians, Houthis, Pakistanis, Indians, gang members, drug cartels, polluters, police, Republicans, Democrats, opponents of the Kroc Center, and other evil-doers finally hear the words of our next roundtable, they will all, in unison, realize that peace is the answer. A few fringe theorists hypothesize that our next talk will actually cause crop yields to triple, a second Holy Land to sprout into existence, and cars to run on good vibes alone.”

“What we all agree on, however,” she emphasized, “is that it is desperately necessary that we host another workshop, which will then solve all of our problems. We see this all the time; people quit working towards the goals for which they’ve sunk so much cost right before they finally achieve them. Ninety percent of gamblers quit right before they would have finally hit it big. Even in my past job, where I was a lobbyist for asphalt companies, I saw city planners stop adding lanes to highways just one lane before they would finally eradicate traffic.”

Hu Mann-Ature, a visiting scholar at the Kroc Center, disagreed. “I’m not sure that the problem is systemic, at least not in the way that my colleagues think it is. We can’t ever lecture away concupiscence, the Fall, or the bedrock fact of scarcity. In fact, I thi– AHHHHHH!!” 

Mr. Mann-Ature’s quote was interrupted by a manic-eyed Emily Cumenism, who tackled him. Ms. Cumenism then began to break down, with sobs of “Just one more! Please! One more and I promise that we’ll be done. Please, I’m actually begging you!”

[Editor’s Note: This reporter is currently being held hostage by the Kroc Center in the Jenkins-Nanovic basement.] 

The Center is demanding that Fr. Dowd ban war globally, endow a permanent position for each Kroc staff member, and give the opening address at their next 12 fora. For more information on the Center’s upcoming events, go to kroc.nd.edu.

Will Grannis is just one more all-nighter away from getting his workload under control, just one more cookie away from starting that wedding diet, and just one more dollar away from finally having enough money. He comes from a city that’s just one more bill away from solving America’s problems. He can receive just one more email at wgrannis@nd.edu. 

Photo Credit: The Irish Rover

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