Specific questionnaire yields interesting results

In light of the success of the Rover’s recent poll of student opinion, we delegated all of our staffers to gather exit poll data following the election. None of the standard rules for polling were followed.

Gender

Polls show that, at the national level, just over half of men supported Trump, and likewise for women supporting Harris. Of the minority of men who voted Democrat, 45 percent confessed that they had believed themselves to be voting for a man, first name Harris. Of the minority of women who voted Republican, 72 percent reported that their decision was influenced primarily by J. D. “Just a Dreamboat” Vance.

When asked whether their decision was influenced by how “brat” the candidates were, 98 percent of women responded, “Duh,” while 75 percent of men responded, “Huh?” 

100 percent of non-binary respondents stated that they voted for the candidate who they thought looked best in a lime-green cropped t-shirt.

Age

All poll respondents were asked whether they knew how to “rip fat bunnies.” 85 percent of those confused by the question voted for Trump, while 69 percent of those who said, “Of course, brother!” voted for Harris. Surprisingly, of those who actually demonstrated ripping fat bunnies, all voted independent.

Education

55 percent of voters with a college education voted for Harris, but only 2 percent of voters who had read the Federalist Papers in college voted Democrat. Of those who could actually name one Founding Father, 87 percent voted for Trump.

100 percent of voters who said their favorite Founding Father was Benjamin Franklin supported Harris. 

When asked how they would describe the United States, 87 percent of voters who said “Democracy” supported Harris. 91 percent of voters who said “Constitutional Republic” backed Trump. Interestingly, 33 percent of those surveyed described America as “God’s Gift to the World,” all of whom supported write-in candidate Shane Gillis.

Religion

The Catholic vote was split with 58 percent in favor of Trump and 40 percent for Harris. Of these, 79 percent of “Benedict-Catholics” leaned red and 55 percent of “Francis-Catholics” leaned blue. There was a noteworthy contingent among young men who identified as “Urban II-Catholics” and supported Trump as the likeliest candidate to support pro-Crusading policies.

Ideology and Opinion

Voters were asked a variety of questions to establish how “cool” or in-touch they were. Interesting correlations were found when voters were asked which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle was the coolest. 98 percent of Donatello fans supported Harris, while nearly every Leonardo or Raphael fan supported Trump. Michelangelo was exclusively associated with the Independent vote. Some voters, misunderstanding the poll, attempted to vote for Master Splinter as president.

90 percent of voters who said they wear leggings weekly supported Harris. 95 percent of voters who said they wear leggings daily supported Harris. 100 percent of voters who said that they owned one or more ankle-length denim skirts backed Trump. 

***

The Irish Rover poll surveyed 41 people who probably voted. The survey was sent only to PE, Carroll hall, and the most radical partisan clubs on campus. Results were weighted to ensure the jankiest sample of the Notre Dame student body. The poll has a margin of error of 38 percent at a 55 percent confidence level. Full results can be found nowhere.

James Whitaker has never taken a class on politics in his life, despite living near D.C. and going to the University of Virginia. He also has never vaped. To give him cool facts about politics or more deep-cut lingo for vaping, email him at jwhitak5@nd.edu.

Haley Garecht almost exclusively takes political science classes and is currently gunning for the position of Politics Editor for next year. To help her orchestrate her power-grab while she is abroad, email her at hgarecht@nd.edu.

Photo Credit: Irish Rover

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