Combat mandatory for participation in pilgrimage

Students were concerned yesterday when they received an email from the de Nicola Center for Ethics and Culture (dCEC). “Your application to the Rome Pilgrimage has been found satisfactory,” the digital scroll read. “In addition to attending preparatory lectures, there are other mandatory activities to complete before our departure. Your presence is requested in the Flannerian Amphitheater, one week from today, for a hands-on learning session focused on Roman history. This is mandatory, and any who refuse are unworthy of going on pilgrimage to the holy city of Rome.” 

Notre Dame student Exavior Andersonii was unsure what exactly he would be doing in the arena. “When I arrived, Phil just threw bronze armor to me, and I got to pick a weapon from the dCEC’s martial supply closet. I went with the Pompeiian gladius because it has a pommel and a wood handguard, and those add a nice heft to the weapon.”

Once in the arena, Andersonii found himself in a one-on-one combat with fellow student Max D. Meridius, who wielded a longer spatha sword.

From an alcove above, after the preliminary blowing of horns, the two discovered they were meant to fight each other in front of dCEC staff; the winner would keep their spot on the coveted Rome pilgrimage, while the loser’s fate would be uncertain. A vigorous duel ensued, with Andersonii receiving several hits on the shoulder, and Meridius elegantly dodging Andersonii’s jabs. Meridius also managed to hit Andersonii’s heel, at which point he collapsed to the ground and began to fight on his knees. At the last moment, Meridius maneuvered his opponent right into a trap, blade against the jugular, whence Andersonii dropped his sword and raised a finger, begging for mercy. 

The distinguished elite of the dCEC Fall Conference looked on the fight with seeming approval, while the interns served grapes, honeyed dates, and olive oil focaccia for them to enjoy during the fight. Trader Joe’s peanut butter cups were also provided. The eldest dCEC board member gave a thumbs up and uttered “mitte,” signaling the end of the fight.

Andersonii was dismissed in tears, having lost his position on the trip, and was returned to the dCEC lounge for treatment by pre-med Sorin Fellows, while Meridius advanced to the next round to defend his prize. Meridius seemed ambivalent about his victory; when reached for comment, he only said, “Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained?!” in a loud voice.

Next week’s mandatory pre-trip activity, according to insiders, is supposedly a naval battle on St. Joe lake.

Katiebelle Thompson is a hardened gladiator from the edge of the empire, from the territory of Luckettsania. Her wartime epic, De Bello Orgo, will be published in summer of 2025, and tells the story of how one lowly intern in the Environmental Sciences department won her freedom from Organic Chemistry and conquered the wild, uncivilized lands of UNDERC. Send your order form to cthomp23@nd.edu.

Photo Credit:  Wikimedia Commons, edited

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