Defends lefties’ rights
As Notre Dame’s Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) initiatives have approached their projected goals with respect to demographics of gender, sexuality, race, and religion, DEI higher-ups have found a need to actively discover further minorities toward whom their efforts and funding might be directed. Their search for new minorities also led to a swarm of non-peer-reviewed studies to justify their new hiring prejudices.
The first minority discovered was that of left-handed people, who make up 10 percent of the national population. An initial study from Notre Dame’s Center for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion found that only 10 percent of Notre Dame faculty and students are left-handed, leaving an intimidatingly uniform 89 percent of the Notre Dame community oppressively right-handed (1 percent reported ambidexterity). The center declared that this left-handed representation was insufficient, and have set their goal as 50–50 representation of right- and left-handed faculty by 2035. Experts say that, from a faculty-hiring perspective, this means that every single hiring committee in the next decade will need to consider lefties exclusively.
Some of the impetus for this renewed commitment has come from the long history of anti-left-handedness bias that has plagued Western civilization for millenia. After all, the lefties of the Roman Empire were abused with the cruel nickname sinister.
There has also been a recent movement to “improve our commitment to left-handed accommodation” on campus, with 15 million dollars dedicated toward various initiatives and centers. 10 million dollars has been dedicated to the renovation of the 9th floor of Duncan Student Center to make the “Leftie Commons,” featuring a study space with exclusively left-handed desks and a recreational room with only left-handed guitars. The other 5 million dollars are going towards leftie-specific programming, like Campus Ministry’s upcoming left-handed weekend retreat.
Initiatives to increase representation of other underrepresented groups have been heating up as well. Startled by the shocking absence of other age-demographics among enrolled students, a new initiative has been made to help raise the percentage of enrolled minors and senior citizens. Calling the initiative “Ageism? Nuh-uh, no way!” the administration plans to admit students of all ages into each incoming class. Each incoming class of 1,500 students will have an even number of spots allocated for each age, meaning every class will reliably have 15 seats for one-year-olds, 15 for 99-year-olds, etc.
It goes without saying that each of these groups will also have their own PwC-funded 10 million dollar Commons constructed, with special Masses and retreats for each age group.
When DEI politics were at the apex of their popularity, there arose a grassroots club focused on Agreement, Partiality, and Exclusion (APE). However, in light of recent DEI activity, the members of APE disbanded, saying that their work was already accomplished.
Former APE president Schmico Nitz told the Rover, “Our ultimate goal in APE was to create a Notre Dame in which everybody was painfully aware of each other’s race, religion, sexuality, and age. Thanks to DEI, the lines have never been more clearly drawn. Now students are able to associate with members of their own identity-group exclusively, with full agreement and partiality. That’s, like, our whole thing!”
James Whitaker is a graduate student, which is to say, old. He is currently seeking a protegé to apprentice as his successor in the esteemed Humor editor position as he transitions to his emeritus status. Any interested students should reach out to him at jwhitak5@nd.edu.
Photo Credit: Separation of Sheep and Goats, anonymous Byzantine mosaic, modified (from Wikimedia Commons)
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