Who Can Replace Her?
At noon on January 20, 2025, Lady Democracy quivered, groaned, and finally collapsed onto the floor, dead at last. Why was this grave occurrence not picked up by the news, you ask? Well, as it turns out, it was. Every channel from C-SPAN to CNN shamelessly aired Lady Democracy’s demise for the masses. Commentators from certain disreputable stations like Fox News were even rumored to crack a smile and nod adoringly, while Lady D publicly kicked the bucket.
I am speaking, of course, about Donald Trump’s coronation as ruler of America, the Gulf of America, Greenland, and the Panamaga Canal. This coronation (in case you have a bad nose for leftwing metaphors) was also Democracy’s death. What makes King Donald’s reascendance so mind-boggling is that Americans were warned of the consequences months ahead of election day. Our nation’s Preordained, Misinformation-Loathing, Mainstream, and Sacred Voices (Pelosi, Obama, Clinton, etc.) warned us that a Trump victory would shove a dagger deep into Democracy’s ribs and twist it like an apple corer. Heedless and heartless, the American people voted for Trump anyway. And so, here I am writing Lady Democracy’s obituary (in pencil, because pencil doesn’t bleed when hit by falling tears).
Democracy’s tragic passing strikes a nation still reeling from global warming, monkeypox, and most of all from the Capitol bathrooms’ reversion to archaic gender orthodoxy. Left in the rubble, Americans must now find a replacement for Lady Democracy. An obvious frontrunner seems to be Melania Trump, whose devastating face-card glowered under a low-slung hat on Monday. The hat, as round and beautiful as a vinyl edition of “YMCA,” exemplifies Melania’s fashion bona fides and regal spirit. Should the First Lady have tumbled prematurely from TrumpForce One on her way into Washington, her hat’s saucer-like brim would have floated her down as light as a feather.
Enough about the hat. The point is, Melania should be our new Lady Democracy. Aside from her personal style, Melania’s birth in a communist land and subsequent hunt for republican shores demonstrates her deep commitment to representative government. Considering the late Lady D lived to 249 years of age, some might question Melania’s longevity. This is rubbish. Her aforementioned husband Donald has only just begun his second kingship at the age of 97, meanwhile the average age in Congress is now 128. Clearly, Americans (and I would bet Slovenian-Americans) are living longer and longer. Melania is a safe, sustainable choice.
As an Unsacred but Impartial Voice, I must also mention Melania’s chief rival for the perilous role of Lady Democracy. This would be the venerable Bishop Mariann Budde. Saint Budde received laurels from the ashes of the liberal media this week after she gave a profound if scripturally dubious sermon to Trump. Budde, who never took a Notre Dame logic class, lauded the virtues of subjectivity and seemed to argue that multiple opinions can be simultaneously valid. Sources tell us that Trump whispered back, “Some are more valid than others.” This also incidentally happens to sum up his immigration policy.
I digress. Regardless of your Melanian or Buddest affiliations, I trust you will share my dismay at the passing of Lady Democracy. Anyone who surpasses 200 years of age should at least be respected if not wept for. However long you choose to weep, know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and always write in pencil—unlike Democracy, it never bleeds.
Slinkworth is a junior anthropology major from Grand Rapids, Michigan. He enjoys painting allegorical scenes of populist leaders wreaking havoc on ideal Liberal states. In his spare time, he canvases for unpopular Democratic candidates. He cannot be reached.
Photo Credit: James
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