Only one month into the new year, and many students’ resolutions are falling apart. Who’s to blame? Campus Dining, students claim.
Students see the dining hall menus forming a counter movement to frustrate Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s new initiative, M.A.H.A.—Make America Healthy Again. The revolution is beginning here, at Notre Dame.
Citing concerns of the Secretary of Health’s past issues with brain-eating worms, Notre Dame’s dining halls have opted to take part in a new counter-initiative: C.O.W. The acronym stands for Continuing Obesity Worldwide.
The initiative’s founder, whose photo was too wide to be included anywhere but the front page, declined to be named. However, he is a known descendant of Chief Justice and President William Howard Taft, who famously was too portly (I am told this is the polite way of saying this) for the former presidential bathtub. Due to this, Taft famously ordered a custom-built, capacious tub for the White House. His great-something grandchild is following in his footsteps.
The young Taft told the Rover, “I just want to make a difference in the world. My great-great-grandfather did so much for this country. It’s high time that I step up and carry my own—very substantial—weight. For the good of the world.”
He continued, “We don’t seek to end world hunger. Why? Because stereotypically ‘healthy’ people can only survive without food for about two weeks. Only two weeks? That’s nothing! We seek to make everyone—including starving children worldwide—obese. This way, they can survive anything that is thrown at them: natural disasters, famines, and whatever else.”
His spokeswoman added, “Hibernation is a human right!”
Campus atmosphere is conflicted over the C.O.W. campaign. Some students say they appreciate the many “sweet-treats” that are now being offered, citing the mental health benefits of “sweet-treat culture.” On the other hand, many students dislike it, especially due to its suspected clandestine nature. In fact, some conspiracy theorists claim that it had been underway for months before the announcement.
“People called me crazy, and yet I’ve been saying this for months! We’re being poisoned, and no one was willing to trust me. Sure, I’ve been wrong before, and perhaps more often than I’m right, but that’s the nature of the game! As a conspiracy theorist, being right once is more important than being wrong often,” said one student. He requested that the Rover call him Sagacious Sam.
Another student said, “Could it be any more obvious? They slowly took away our healthy, nutrient rich food—like flank steak with chimichurri sauce every Wednesday night, on a delicious bed of white rice, or make-your-own stir-fry—and replaced it with vast arrays of desserts. It seems like they put much more effort and resources into crafting seductive desserts designed to fatten us like lambs to the slaughter.”
He continued, “And don’t get me started on the ice-cream! The quiet hum of the soft serve machine is like a siren’s song, drawing men to their decadent destruction.” His name is Conspiracy Carl.
Carl predicts that Holy Half marathon times will at least double as this trend continues: “As we get fatter, we become slower. Hibernation does not mean faster running. Bears are not cheetahs.”
In response, Mr. Taft said, “Bears enjoy the benefits of both speed and hibernation. They should be our models. I’d like to see him outrun a bear!”
Carl replied to Mr. Taft, “I’d like to see him run.”
Perhaps the two opposing philosophies can be best seen in this example: There is a sign in South Dining Hall, positioned above the vast sea of cookies, which reads, “Life is short. Eat dessert first!” Opponents of the movement attempted to correct the sign, adding graffiti to say, “Life is short when you eat dessert first.”
One student added his two cents, paraphrasing Socrates, “Now, the hour to part has come. I go to eat dessert; you go to eat fruit. Which one of us goes to the better lot is known to no one, except for God.”
Jack Krieger is a sophomore studying economics. Therefore, he knows that the supply of cookies demands his consumption. Thanks to the scale, he also knows he is a hapless victim of the C.O.W. initiative. Console him at jkrieger@nd.edu.