Music Selections of the Week:
1. The Notre Dame Victory March courtesy of Dr. Ken Dye (Freshmen: That’s our band director).
2. The Entire Soundtrack from The Last Samurai courtesy of a certain Duncan Hall quad
3. “Cooler Than Me” courtesy of my AR
Living as Michael Jackson:
So it’s the first day of classes and my Transport professor is taking the obligatory first day roll call, admitting that he won’t actually learn all of our names this semester. And of course everyone is in class on the first day, something which will soon change as evidenced by the one alarm clock down the hall that continues to go off well through the day. Anyway, the whole time the professor is reading off names, I’m contriving some clever phrase to respond with when he reaches my name. So he’s on the H’s. “Crystal Ho.” –“Here.” – “Dacey Jackson.” – “Here.” Just as he approaches my name, because by now all the CHEGs (chemical engineers, for the Notre Dame engineering illiterate) have their position in class memorized, I come up with the solution. “Michael Jackson.” – To which I proudly respond “DECEASED.”
1. To a new Notre Dame football season: As I recall at the Dillon pep rally last year, the current Kansas City Chiefs offensive coordinator said something along the lines of: “The boys and I have decided that enough is enough.” It didn’t take AD Jack Swarbrick but like a day to determine the same thing about this coach. Recall the email we all received: “He will not be retained as head football coach.” RETAINED? We couldn’t rip out a page from Donald Trump’s book: “You’re fired!” Enough of the negative. Now I’m just wondering how my boy Dayne will do and which wide receiver will have the gumption to jump into the Michigan State band.
2. USC’s demise: The sanctions the NCAA dropped on the Trojans back in June made my month. Just to see Pete Carroll pretend like he had nothing to do with it (Golden I’m so sorry for you). And apparently they don’t want to change much because last I checked Lane’s got some of his own violations to deal with and that little lawsuit with the Titans. The greatest part was that the NCAA decided that upperclassmen could transfer with no repercussions: It’s like the USC version of Monopoly and everybody is using their get out of USC free card.
3. “Despicable Me” – Make the kittens drink the milk! A comedic chick flick that you could watch with your girl or your grandma. Everyone loves it, even scientists. I mean, come on, the man steals the moon and the villain’s name is Vector, also a quantity with magnitude and direction for those whose last science class was in high school.
4. Fark.com – Because I couldn’t pick just one ridiculous story, although I was tempted to cite the guy who claims Nike is now making “Back to the Future II” type shoes that self-lace. For those who already know Fark, welcome back. If you’re unfamiliar, get familiar. Ridiculous news about ridiculous people presented in a ridiculous fashion. I mean, I love my other major networks like when O’Reilly shreds his guests on Fox, “We Report. You Decide.” Well, I’ve decided that you’re neither Fair nor Balanced, but I do like Pinheads and Patriots. Or CNN “the Worldwide Leader in News,” where breaking news isn’t really that recent -like last summer in August when CNN was still reporting on MJ’s death and all associated conspiracy theories: “Breaking News: Michael Jackson still dead.” Before I tell you any more, take that study break and look it up for yourself.
5. The achievements of Rover alums are many and varied. Somewhere on that list is “Sip it Back” (Lil Vampeezy feat. Elvis), starring Religion and Ethics Editor Emeritus John Gerardi. Check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7Sh47kPxjg. And if you’d like to hear Johnny’s vocals showcased in a more traditional manner, try the Tridentine Mass on Sundays mornings (9 am in Alumni). When he’s not doing vampire or Elvis imitations, he can chant with the best of them.
1. Attorney General Eric Holder – Every student knows that you can fake it until you make it, if you don’t have any in-class quizzes or review questions. Well, Eric got a pop-quiz from Rep. Poe, Texas Republican, at a Judiciary Committee hearing in May regarding Holder’s opposition to the Arizona Immigration bill. And I have to admit it was a pretty easy question: Did you read the bill? “I have not had the chance to – I glanced at it.” We’re all procrastinators, but Eric come on, you couldn’t read ten pages, really?
2. Major League Baseball’s suspension of Nationals Outfielder Nyjer Morgan – Normally I complain about how arrogant and overpaid MLB players are (BJ Upton for example), but I can’t pass up this opportunity to support my boy Nyjer Morgan. So he got a seven game suspension for allegedly intentionally throwing a ball into the stands trying to hit some heckling Phillies fans. First of all, I can’t think of a fan who would complain about getting a ball and having an amazing story to tell about it. Secondly, the Nats occupy last place in the NL East and taking the exciting Morgan out truly solidifies Washington’s place as the old people home of major league baseball: a team known for collecting anyone and everyone over 35 and 40. Think about it: Adam Dunn, Ivan Rodriguez, Livan Hernandez, Adam Kennedy and Miguel Batista. But most importantly, it happened against the Phillies. Maybe I’m biased because the Nats vs. Phillies game I went to in DC this summer was packed with obnoxious Phillies fans who heckled the handful of Nats fans in the left-field bleachers. Seriously, can a man root for his last place team in peace? If Nyjer didn’t throw it into the stands on purpose, I wish he would have.
3. Purdon’t – Quite self-explanatory. Hoping the Boilers are as effective as the ones at my underfunded and small Catholic high school, and the Irish are as effective as our maintenance man was at making the situation for the boilers worse.
4. Silly bands – Show and tell for college students.
Michael Jackson, living the dream (c. 1990 – ). Contact him at email@example.com, especially if you can help him. (Claire Gillen decided to spotlight the work of venerable Rover alumns.)