Fall Break – Isn’t she great? It’s the opportunity to remember that there does indeed exist a world outside of this campus. You can go home, go to Vegas, go to Purdue, or just hang out on campus. I chose the latter this fall break and it seems quite a number of other students did as well. After three years here I finally got to shoot two terrible rounds of golf on the course that sits right next to Duncan Hall. I also got to be very sick with my friends at Cedar Point because I exceeded the maximum 5 roller coaster threshold set forth by my stomach. Most importantly, I was able to not think about doing school work! Oddly enough, I was thinking of grabbing lunch with a couple of professors, but they seem to love fall break even more than we students, because both were pretty much as far away from Notre Dame as you can get over fall break.

Time travel class – Okay so the actual name of the course is metaphysics, but that sounds more daunting than suggesting that I wrote about Marty McFly and BACK TO THE FUTURE for my midterm essay, which I did. Rather than explain terms like neo-Quineanism and bivalence, I’ll pretty much explain why Prof. Meghan Sullivan has rocked the socks off of time travel thus far. While you’re sitting next door listening to business law, I’m making pipe cleaner people who represent time travelers and eating gummy worms that represent spacetime worms in time travel.  Some people believe that when purple pipe cleaner man goes back in time he can’t change anything because it’s already occurred. Others suggest that when he goes back he wipes clean all of the time that occurred between the year he left from and the year in which he arrived.  What about the future you ask? It’s like taking that gummy worm that represents my existence in time and stretching him out so he can reach that time faster. So you continue to talk about torts while I pose questions about the feasibility of Dr. Who and the Tardis.


The #99 – It’s the number that’s never nice to you. I think we should just banish it from society. Remember the last time that anal professor gave you a 99 instead of 100 for a smudge mark on your paper? Remember the last time that something that was supposed to be 99% effective wasn’t? In the world’s most annoying song, how many bottles of beer on the wall are there? You know how much that item at the store that costs $X.99 really costs, don’t you? And how about those Wall Street occupiers who claim to represent 99% of Americans? Lastly, when your favorite football team has traveled 99 yards down the field, they should score 99 times out of a hundred, right? But there’s that one time they don’t and the other team returns the ball those same 99 yards…wait, that’s happened twice.

Reality television – JERSEY SHORE, THE X FACTOR, AMERICA’ S GOT TALENT, THE BIGGEST LOSER, AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, THE APPRENTICE, THE BACHELOR, and VH1’s I LOVE MONEY. What’s the commonality among all of these shows? Stupidity. I don’t watch these shows and neither should you, but I have some ideas about what they would look like if they were reality. JERSEY SHORE: gym, tanning, laundry, unemployment office. THE X FACTOR: Maybe there is an XFactor, but you certainly don’t have it. AMERICA’S GOT TALENT: and lot’s of problems (like government) that talent doesn’t seem to be able to solve. THE BIGGEST LOSER: eat less, exercise more. AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL: Do I care who America’s last top model was? No. The Apprentice: You’re fired, so pick up the pieces, get back up, and stop crying. THE BACHELOR: If you just used more Old Spice you’d be a real man. I LOVE MONEY: and nothing else. CONCLUSION: Turn off the TV, and live reality with your family, your friends, and your real job.