Poet and funeral director Thomas Lynch discusses lessons in life, death, and healing

 

Co-sponsored by the Notre Dame Character Project and the Office of Human Dignity and Life Initiatives at the Institute for Church Life, award-winning poet Thomas Lynch delivered a talk at Geddes Hall on Wednesday, November 4, about his experience as a funeral director in Milford, Michigan.  From discussing the essentials of a “good funeral” to narrating the touching stories of loss he has witnessed over the years, “In the Presence of the Dead: A Conversation with Thomas Lynch on Living and Dying” treated all subjects with a blend of wit and profundity.

Lynch began his talk by recalling his childhood, which he spent surrounded by his large, extended family of Irish Catholics, all living door-to-door. Privacy was an alien concept, and family was everything. This close family connection played a key role in his decision to join his father, an undertaker, in the family business along with six of his eight siblings. This portrait of life 50 years ago had the audience—many of whom were his age or older—nodding and laughing as he painted a picture of a time familiar to many.  

Against this backdrop, it was all the more striking when Lynch raised the subject of death, stating that “death in a community is a glacial change, changing the topology and the landscape of the people living in it.”

The way in which we deal with death, Lynch argued, defines us and separates humans from all other living creatures. Consequently, he continued, the way in which we conduct funerals is of immense importance to how we perceive ourselves and our culture. “Good” funerals allow people to let go of those they have lost, to grieve, and to slowly begin the process of healing; whereas “bad” funerals avoid fully acknowledging the pain left by death, inhibiting the healing process.

Lynch identified four characteristics of a good funeral: corpse, mourners, story, and riddance. There is a significant difference, he noted, between holding a funeral with a body and holding one with a urn. He argued that the former allows the reality of death to sink in far more firmly than the latter.

Lynch remarked further that in the last few decades, people have become so focused on holding a “celebration of life” that they ignore or downplay the sorrow death causes—hence the need for proper mourning surrounded by a supportive community.

That well-intentioned “celebration of life” philosophy, he argued, is responsible for the increasing trend of downplaying the deceased’s values or “story” in favor of their quirks and habits. One example he gave was that of a widow’s choice to make her husband’s funeral completely golf-themed, down to an urn made in the shape of a golf bag. The funeral had become more focused on the theme than on the deceased’s beliefs or hopes for the afterlife.

Displaying pictures of a funeral home bedecked in golfing memorabilia, Lynch made the poignant plea that “we can do better than this.” With a more serious tone, he stated that in a society which has drastically increased its rate of cremation—now at 60 percent—it is becoming easier to ignore death and the existential questions it raises.

Sophomore Shaun Evans told the Rover: “I think Mr. Lynch raised a point worth pondering when he said that as our humanity and belief system give way to hobbies and eccentricities as focal points of funerals and memorial services, as Mr. Lynch has observed happening, we risk losing sight of important existential questions raised by the characteristically human practice of burying the dead.”

Lynch then emphasized the final characteristic of a good funeral, “riddance,” the process of actually putting away the body. In his many years as a funeral director, Lynch said he has never seen people regret taking part in carrying the body to the grave or taking it to the crematory.

He said that participating in the final physical release of the body is the most important step for people to acknowledge their loved one’s passing. This process, he asserted, allows them to move on in life and cope with the grief rather than ignore it or bury it in platitudes. Physically saying good-bye and letting go, Lynch concluded, allows people to continue on in the great undertaking that is life.

Famous in his home town for his chicken-punting ability, here Jack Kessler is a sophomore studying math and philosophy.  Contact him at jkessle3@nd.edu.