Cheers:

Valentine’s Day. Ah, young Notre Dame love. For many, Valentine’s Day marks the start of Ring by Spring season. In true Notre Dame tradition, the road from a DHD to kissing under the Lyons Arch has lengthened as our football record has worsened. No matter. If there’s no Notre Dating or even Notre Mating in your life, the squirrels keep enough love in the air for all of us.

JPW. Juniors, it’s time to excavate your dorm room. And no, just stuffing those wrapper fossils and clothing artifacts in your closet is not going to cut it. What will your parents think, especially as they’re preparing to send you off to adulthood! Clean before you’re forced to join the squirrels after graduation.

Day of Man/Polar Plunge. Every winter, the students of Notre Dame yield to the insatiable desire to show off their newly acquired glowing paleness. Especially in South Bend, less clothes mean more fun! The squirrels didn’t appreciate being blinded without any warning, but we never asked to be subjected to their plump parades down God Quad either.

Jeers:

Graduation Address.  The possibility of the 45th US President speaking at graduation has many students up in arms. As one freshman put it, “Wait, you mean Laetare isn’t Latin for controversial?” In any case, we can probably look forward to a fresh layer of Cheeto dust covering campus instead of snow.

Spam Email. Rumor has it, the recent phishing scam sent to over 2,000 students and faculty contained freeware to defeat the Notre Dame’s student most dreaded enemy. Never mind chemistry midterms, 8:20’s, or Zahm residents, two-step verifications are the last straw. Down with regimes of terror, oppression, tyranny, and Duo!

Student Body Elections. After the tension of the most contentious election to face this campus, state, country, world, universe … we can finally breathe a sigh of relief. It definitely hit close to home—knocking on our doors! Thankfully, the massive protests on every corner of the known world (bounded by LaFun, DeBart, and the far land of Carroll) have subsided to mere grumbling about the winning ticket picking squirrels for their Executive cabinet. Before you say they’re unqualified, just remember, they were here first.

Therese Konopelski is a freshman PLS major who has been known to take a squirrel joke too far. To assist with rehabilitative efforts, contact her at tkonopel@nd.edu.