For the hardworking students of the University, warm late-summer days are a welcome respite from the long months of the notorious Northern Indiana permacloud. Many cannot resist the excuse to take the afternoon off and enjoy the weather, throwing a baseball around on the quad or doing some light reading of Enlightenment philosophy in a hammock. However, just as the immutable principles of the dignity and sovereignty of the individual find renewed expression each summer, so too does the collectivist philosophy of Marx and Engels.
This was evident last Monday, when property of God-fearing North Quad students was seized by Soros-funded emissaries of the Kremlin’s expansionist wing. This was the first northern northern campaign of the Trotskyvites this year, who moved decisively with their customary spikeball sets in hand.
“This happens about this time every year,” said Michael Dawson, a senior living in St. Edwards Hall. “We lost South Quad several years ago, and West Quad was pretty much doomed from the start.”
Tom Wallace, a Stanford junior and a leading historian on the subject, was able to expound more thoroughly on the issue.
“The general format of the insipid game known as ‘spikeball’ was first introduced in 1989, which, incidentally, was the year that Ronald Reagan left office,” said Wallace. “It soon failed, however, due in no small part to the emergent supercharged interest in Major League Baseball and the fall of the Soviet Union. However, in 2008, the year in which Obama was elected and Duncan Hall built, the game returned in its present form and found success among a populace left susceptible from many years of increased television coverage of European soccer.”
Wallace further explained that after Saul Alinsky discipled Erin Hoffman Harding and Fr. John Jenkins constructed the “garish vale of redistributionism” known as West Quad—full of “useful idiots reading thinly veiled Stalinist propaganda”—it was only a matter of time until South Quad was also compromised.
Aidan McCreary, a Zahm senior who has spent his entire time at Notre Dame combating this encroachment, has a bleak outlook on the future:
“It’s hard. We did a pretty good job of holding the 38th Parallel, if you will. Blaring Tom Petty and John Mellencamp was definitely an effective measure, but with the funding these guys get out of Moscow, it’s pretty hard to withstand.”
“It was bad enough having them just to the south” McCreary continued, here referring to the two new dorms built to the East of North quad. “Sic transit gloria mundi.”
At press time Aidan was planning on playing Reagan’s “Evil Empire” speech at full volume and accidentally overthrowing a couple of heaters in an attempt to scare off any “Commie spikeballers.”