The Rover’s trusty dog delivers winter advice

Well, hi there, Rover readers. It’s me, Brenston, the friendly Rover doggy columnist. Now, as a dog, I sometimes say Grrrr…now I am saying Brrrrrr. Why, you ask? It’s colder than a puppy’s nose out there! Not even my furry coat can stop frostbite from setting in and killing me. Here are some tips to help with the cold weather.

  1. Stay indoors.

It’s a dog’s natural instinct to go outside–we are wild, after all! But a dog’s greatest enemy, outside of cats, is negative temperatures with wind chill values so low that your tongue freezes after a few seconds outside of your mouth. That’s ruff!

  1. Get school canceled.

Oh, it already has been canceled? Heh heh, yep, that was me, using my wily doggy paws to pull the strings.

  1. Get work canceled.

Being chronically unemployed really helps.

  1. Pass the time by using a LOT of electricity.

Good news: electricity will never run out. Better news: it’s completely free. On cold and blustery January days, I like to run twenty or so space heaters in a circle around my lawn chair in my backyard. It’s my own tropical paradise! Sometimes I get so hot sitting out there I need to go back inside and cool off with ice cream from one of my thirty walk-in freezers that I keep in my basement.

  1. Drink “winter soup.”

I’m sure you know about that brown-gray liquid/solid that collect in the ruts on the side of the road during the cold winter months, but did you know that that liquid/solid is incredibly high in nutrients? Give it a lap with your tongue to discover what keep ole Uncle Brenston nice and toasty inside when the weather gets wintery outside.

  1. Wait till next week.

It’s actually getting up to spring-like temperatures very soon. So, actually, just do whatever you want until then.

  1. Is man-made climate change real?

Okay, I admit it, this column has just been a lead-up to this question. Woof. Look, there are many schools of thought on this. I’ve done so much research over the past 20 years since Al Gore’s controversial magnum opus An Inconvenient Truth came out. I’ve entertained conspiracy theories, attended conventions. Even released a few weather balloons into the upper echelons into the atmosphere in order to do some testing. Is it real? Well, what is reality? In this vortex of cold and death, who’s to say, really? As I lay dying in the snow, will it matter that in 50 years, the sun will unleash its slow fury upon us? Is our science tracking the truth about the world? As the setting sun descends in the sky, we turn to face the opposite horizon, awaiting its return. But there is nothing that tells us that sunrise will ever come.

  1. Pour out some boiling water onto the snow!

If you do this right, it will look REALLY cool in these cold temperatures.