I know many of you have been following my law school journey with bated breath. And if you haven’t, no worries; it’s not too late to climb aboard.
After almost two years of constantly aggrandizing myself to complete strangers, I am humbled, nay, utterly debased, to accept an offer at Jaundice & Rickets, LLP. Ever since I was a child—having only just shed my diapers and binky—I wanted to be an associate at J&R, which is an indication of my acute sense of foresight as J&R did not yet exist. My mother proudly tells me that the first words out of my toothing mouth were “My passion has always been transactional law.” “Momma” and “Dadda” only followed my recitation of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. As I grew older, my zeal and zest for the law only heightened. My parents were surprised when they opened a stamped envelope billing them in increments of six minutes for the time I labored listening to their bedtime stories. They often watched fondly as I paced back and forth whispering to myself “may I bill for this?” after play dates with friends or completing a chore for an elderly neighbor.
I am equally excited to finally be within reach of man’s ultimate end: the elusive work-life balance—although I am still not entirely clear what the “life” aspect of this balancing test entails. I’m still working out the math knowing I will have to bill 2200 hours next year. I know I feel alive when I take a break from work to grab a quick lunch; I think I’ll be happy if one day I can look back and proudly say I’ve measured out my life with Chipotle burritos and happy hours with my colleagues. I can scuttle down with them to the silent bar below our firm–it will be so convenient not having to leave the building. But will I dare to call them friends? Nonsense, I have no time to consider such existential thoughts—there will be memorandums to write!
In any case, I am excited to bring my many talents to the firm, such as my ability to read and speak—not to mention my total grasp of WORD and EXCEL which I categorize under language proficiency on my resume. But, of course, I am not just any lawyer—I am a different kind of lawyer, which I can only assume means I have a higher gross salary than the majority of my peers. Don’t get me wrong; I care about justice too. I even said so in my personal statement when I expressed my fervent desire to be a public defender in order to get that externship last semester. But justice is only one factor to consider in the multi-factor test that is a career; others include the look on your classmates’ faces when you name your summer firm or roll up to a class reunion in that shiny BMW in which I spend my leisure time (i.e., my commute–I like podcasts). Still, I will ardently pursue justice in my legal career (meaning, of course, that I will comply with all HR directives and brochures from my firm’s Diversity and Inclusion Committee). I might even put my pronouns in my email signature. But beyond that, deciding what is the right thing to do can be so confusing (I’m still not fully conversant with the Model Rules of Professional Conduct) that it is helpful to outsource that decision to a committee that is uncovering new fundamental human rights each and every day from the confines of its office. I heard that the firm’s enlightened philosophes are putting a red ribbon on a brand-spanking new one: the right to have your GrubHub delivered in twenty minutes or less without being asked to give a tip. I have to say, it makes my eyes well up.
I feel incredibly blessed to have received this opportunity! Blessed by whom, you ask? I’ll need to think about that one. In the meantime, please come find me in the Commons—I don’t believe I’ve actually met any of you.
I know many of you voraciously read my last post announcing the news that I had obtained a summer associate position with Jaundice & Rickets LLP. I was humbled—literally, reduced to a bundle of acute angles on the ground as I rocked myself in the fetal position—to see that my post received thousands of reactions and comments (even after I deleted the negative ones–haters are my motivators!). I have always striven to be an inspiration to those who are seeking to attain the level of professional success that I have worked so hard to embody. As I have always said, the inspiration that I can give to a single law student is worth just as much as that six-figure salary I’m about to cash in.
Thus, it is bittersweet to announce that Jaundice & Rickets has made the difficult decision to rescind their offer. While J&R has withheld from me the details animating their decision, I suspect that the firm concluded that someone with my passion for transactional law—coupled with my facility with WORD and EXCEL—is a flight risk, at risk of being poached by other top-echelon firms. I can’t say they’re wrong, but it felt like something of an injustice for them to preempt me from leaving J&R after a couple years (I would not, of course, forgo my clerkship bonus) in pursuit of an even more prestigious gig. I mean, it seems like that should have been my decision, not theirs.
I am just as shocked as you are. But this experience has taught me so much about RESILIENCE, GRIT, PASSION, and HARD WORK. Sometimes it turns out that what we have been working so hard to achieve is not what the Universe has in store for us. Sometimes we need to GET UP and TRY AGAIN.
Bearing that in mind, I am thrilled to announce that I will now be joining premier NYC boutique transactional firm, The Amphibian Group, LLC. I am literally wetting myself about the prospect of joining such an outrageously amazing firm with such superhumanly talented attorneys. I am grateful to all of my mentors and connections that have taught me how to keep my elbows sharp and to ATTAIN the GOALS that coincide with my PASSION (transactional law, you will remember).
If any of my classmates wants to connect with me to pick my brain about what it means to be a RESILIENT Law Student, feel free to drop me a line.
I am humbled (this time, in the proper sense of the word) to announce that additional trouble has befallen me. A few of you found fault with the wording of my previous post and brought it to the attention of The Amphibian Group’s Diversity and Inclusion Committee. I have been notified that the words ‘RESILIENCE,’ ‘GRIT,” and ‘HARD WORK’ are terms of violence, akin to tiny darting daggers drawing blood at first touch. Not to mention that the word “HARD” and “GET UP” supposedly invoke phallocentric, patriarchal imagery, and capitalizing those words further supports allegations of malice and bad faith. Consequently, the Amphibian Group has rightly decided to revoke my offer and go in a different direction. I am actually grateful for the time they took to EDUCATE me, and I now think my punishment is just.
What is in store for me now? Well, I am humbled—honestly prostrate at the feet of my betters, garments torn asunder, snot and spittle drivelling down my gaunt face—to announce that I am taking a consultant position with the Committee of Diversity and Inclusion at Leprosy, Pox & Psoriasis, LLP. I am moving on from my legal career; as you all know, I never had a real passion for law anyway. I am fully dedicated to ensuring that enterprising young law associates do not make the same professional mistakes as me, but if they do I will be sure to hold them accountable with the same fervent spirit of vindictiveness and humorlessness that was shown to me.
The larger salary and corner office are nice perks but were ultimately not the reasons that I chose this line of business. I have been passionate about wokeness consulting since I was a sweet babe. My mothers proudly tells me that the first words out of my toothing mouth were “I am not in the emotional headspace right now to educate you about your microaggressions.” My parents knew I was special as I vigorously nodded with approval whenever a woman in a position of power flashed across the television screen–like Myanmar politician Aung San Suu Kyi and the first lady of Syria Asma al-Assad. I like to think of myself as a thoroughly modern person. My character is unimpeachable. I always begin my e-mails with “Dear Mx” instead of the traditional transphobic alternatives that grind like nails on a chalkboard if read aloud. . . .
Well anyway, I want to thank you all for your endless support. Without your relentless head-hunting mentality and merciless judgment I would not be in the position I am today.
Entry 4 [Draft]
I am just slightly embarrassed to admit that I will not be taking the wokeness consulting position with LPP, LLP. The principal reason being—although among others—that LPP does not actually exist. Well, it exists, but it is not a law firm. LPP, funnily enough, turns out to be a covert group of lap-top wielding thirty-somethings. I must have misread the job post because LPP actually stands for Liberation Peoples Party. It is not anything like what I expected when I first enrolled in law school, but I am excited to announce that I will be joining LPP as a cancellation consultant. It is a truly humbling opportunity—so humbling, in fact, that I will, after graduation, be moving out of my apartment, selling my belongings, and descending into the dark and damp underground bunker with my new co-workers. I am thrilled to bring my unique talents and entrepreneurial spirit to this noble endeavor. My first assignment will be investigating the social media accounts of my old classmates (all of you!) and documenting your past indiscretions. I know many of you will want to show appreciation for the tireless hours I spend holding you accountable and want to send me gifts and other support. Please be assured that the only reward I need for my service is seeing the . . . . Some of you express concern about punishing people for expressing ideas and thoughts that were completely unimpeachable merely a few weeks ago. But things change quickly in this mobile and modern society we live in, especially when you can rewrite the dictionary. My mother proudly told me—before I went underground, of course—that from a young age I possessed a particularly passionate animosity toward diversity of opinion. . . .
Dear Connections, I am–yes–humbled to announce that I have agreed to confinement in a voluntary prison after my superiors at LPP brought to my attention the inadequacy of my apology for my use of insensitive language in the past (see my previous posts). As my days will now be happily consumed with reeducation exercises and penitence, I will, unfortunately, have little time to provide INSPIRATION for you, dear Connections.
Photo credit: Christophe Benoit, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic