No news is not good news
Given the Rover’s summer publishing hiatus, we have compiled, compressed, and condensed many of our would-be headlines from the summer months into one brief article for our readers’ convenience.
The priests of Holy Cross had a particularly busy vacation. Fr. Brian Ching, enjoying his newfound downtime, began homebrewing. Jealous of the Carthusians, he invented a “completely new” liqueur which he is calling “Chingtreuse.” 170 proof and a sinister dark red color, you can try his new limited-batch liqueur at the Whiskey Exchange by slipping the bartender a $2 bill, or you can visit the Crypt’s speakeasy.
Taking advantage of the quiet campus in the summer, Fr. Jenkins took up a habit of long walks in prayer. On one occasion, Fr. Jenkins miraculously entered a religious ecstasy. Unfortunately, this rendered his senses useless and he could not perceive the incoming electric scooters. Even more outrageously, this accident occurred on the 14th floor of the library. Accordingly, the University has cracked down on electric scooters campuswide.
There was a particular scandal when the Rover discovered that the Synodic Synod of Synodality was an elaborate scheme. Fr. Pete confessed to orchestrating the whole thing and laughed, saying, “I can’t believe no one suspected me. Synodality isn’t even a word!” When asked why he would commit such a large-scale and morally ambiguous fraud, he confessed that he could not think of a better way to learn how the students really felt about him. As synod participants may remember, the final question of each listening session was, “What makes Fr. Pete so great?”
Turning now towards the happenings outside of the C.S.C., the de Nicola Center for Ethics and Culture experienced an unprecedented number of paper submissions for their Fall Conference (Nov. 10-12). Overwhelmed and tired, the higher-ups at the Center opted to throw out all the submissions. Instead of the usual panel format, this year’s conference will just be 3 10-hour sessions of Alasdair MacIntyre speaking about whatever he wants. The Center was pleasantly surprised by the feedback on the decision—turns out, most folks attend the conference just to hear MacIntyre anyway.
And finally, after its commercial success opening a branch in Duncan, Chick-fil-A will be opening mini-restaurants inside of every dorm. Chick-fil-A’s chief marketing officer, drunk off power and Chingtreuse, persuaded the higher-ups of Residential Life to open 31 new locations within the dorm buildings themselves. (N.B. the only dorm not to receive a Chick-fil-A is Carroll Hall; representatives from Chick-fil-A admitted that it was simply too long of a walk.) Students who wish to patronize their in-resident Chick-fil-A’s need only visit the sacristy of their dorm chapel, where the mini-restaurants have opened shop.
James Whitaker is a graduate student in the theology department. Although he has no experience in serious journalism, he would like to be made the Rover’s new editor-in-chief. Sign his petition by emailing email@example.com.
Picture Credit: Matthew Rice, Wikimedia Commons