From the makers of the second Karate Kid, the latter two versions of A Star is Born, and all other ex-theatre kids who aren’t creative enough to come up with their own plots, comes the long-awaited remake of Mean Girls.

 The familiar cast of characters are back, but the setting has been modernized to fit current contingencies. No more are the four-way landline phone calls—the backstabbing, cajoling, complaining, and eventual reconciliation all have a distinctly modern flavor.

 “For the modern teenaged, female viewer,” the film director told the Rover, “Everything in this film is relatable except the outdated modes of communication and the good intentions of the school administrators. By eliminating these two aspects of the original masterpiece, our art can once again reflect nature.”

 The updated plot again follows Cady Heron, Regina George, and the struggle for supremacy. But as everything in this modern world has become increasingly publicized, the girls’ bickering is moved into the open forum of the school GroupMe.

 “Weird that they chose to use GroupMe—I didn’t know anyone outside of Notre Dame clubs even knew what that was,” noted a Notre Dame junior, “It really makes you think…”

 A reporter from the Rover approached a group of freshman girls walking out of the initial showing of the film at DPAC. They were violently bickering, but as the reporter approached, they adjusted their hair, smiled sweetly, and one said: “I thought that the film was SOOO good, didn’t you?”

 Another added, “Yeah, but I like the first version better; here there was no reconciliation at the end!”

 “You’re soooo right,” her acquaintance agreed, “I liked how in the original film Sharon Norbury gets all the girls together, and they get to talk it all out. Everyone sees the root of the problem, and, in the end, everyone is friends!”

 This time around, Sharon launches a campaign to install Cady as the head of the plastics after popular support at the school swings dramatically towards Regina. “I mean, literally only Aaron Samuels supports Cady—why would Sharon do that?” the girls complained.

 Others disagreed with this analysis: “I mean, before Cady came along, Regina got to run the plastics for a whole year. It’s only fair if someone else gets a turn. Of course it’s okay for a teacher to insert themselves into an internal disagreement among overly dramatic girls to solve their problems for them. What could go wrong?”

 The largest complaint with the film, however, came from philosopher David O’Connor: “Yeah I just didn’t really get the point of the whole conflict in the first place,” he began. Continuing “So there’s some squabbling females who obviously just want to get married and settle down, and then they turn their boy-drama and weird power struggle into a conflict to entertain the whole school.”

 “Keep it between yourselves, don’t solve personal problems by changing school policy, and of course don’t get the teachers involved. Back in my day, we would have just a duel behind the playground, and no one who missed the report of the handgun would ever have to hear about it.”

The USCCB has advised viewer discretion. The film will be playing in theatres from now until the end of time. 

W. Joseph DeReuil will be going abroad for the next week to escape any feminine lashback from this article. He will respond to emails directed to when he returns from Rome Easter Monday.