Competition spurs a race to the liturgical bottom

In an attempt to increase Mass participation on campus, Rev. Robert Dowd, C.S.C. invited all residence halls to compete in “Mass Madness.” The dorm whose chapel sees the greatest number of Mass attendees throughout the month will win an exclusive “Bob-Ball 2.0” for their dorm, featuring twice as many coffee carts and a 6,500 dollar drone show.

While many residence halls at Notre Dame have long-standing Mass traditions, including Dillon Hall’s infamous “Milkshake Mass” on Thursdays, it seems that every hall has now added a food component to entice hungry students into their chapels. Inspired by the root beer floats offered by the Keough Kangaroos, Baumer Hall now hosts “Beers with Buccs” after their 9 p.m. Thursday service. One Baumer resident told the Rover, “It’s been super successful, like, ’cause, it’s free beer.” When asked about the ethics of trading alcohol for Mass attendance, a member of Baumer Hall Staff stated, “Alcohol is already in the sacramental wine—what’s the big deal?”

Sorin Hall’s “Mass and Cheese” has found competition in rival St. Edward’s Hall, where students are invited to a three-course dinner cooked by the dorm’s rector. Last Sunday, Mass attendees were treated to a Mediterranean-style menu, complete with homemade hummus and stuffed grape leaves. This led to fourth-seed Sted’s knocking thirteenth-seed Sorin out of the running in the first round.

One issue for many dorms has been the so-called “Mass moocher” epidemic, when students sneak into the last five minutes of dorm Masses to access free food. One sophomore from Badin Hall told the Rover, “If you can pull off a complete chapel crawl then you can go an entire week without visiting the dining hall. We call that the ‘plenary indulgence.’”

To rule out possible “moochers,” some dorms have instituted a ticketing system. In Alumni Hall, students are given a voucher during the Gospel that can be cashed in for one 16-inch “Dawg-style pizza” at the end of Mass. If they want toppings, students must show that they remember at least one theme from the homily or two lines from the First Reading.

Some more desperate dorms in the Northwest region have made more drastic liturgical changes to draw in crowds. Stanford, in competition with Keenan’s hand-holding-around-the-altar, started allowing students to don vestments for the Eucharistic rite and “concelebrate.” Although the priests involved were excommunicated, Stanford nonetheless beat out Keenan and proceeded to the Sweet Sixteen.

In the Northeast region, intense competition has escalated stakes—and budgets—at an alarming rate. Against Fr. Terry’s wishes and in keeping with their mascot, the PE Rector replaced bells with active pyrotechnics during the consecration. One PE junior told the Rover, “I think the fireworks are a great idea! Now when I fall asleep during the homily, I know I’ll get woken up in time to line up for communion.” 

As a counter and inspired by Netflix’s America’s Sweethearts, Breen-Phillips debuted the “BP Babes Cheer Squad,” whose mission statement is to “make the Liturgy of the Word hot again.” During the Squad’s first Mass, the BP chapel was immediately packed with Dunne Sentinels, forcing many BP residents to fly to Fr. Kevin’s mass for refuge.

As the competition heated up, dorms introduced more tantalizing accommodations. To make up for the long walk, attendees of Carroll Hall’s Mass are promised a 30-second homily. Posters can be seen on campus advertising “guest homilists” in various dorms, including speakers like Marcus Freeman, Riley Leonard, and Shane Gillis. Some chapels have replaced their hymnals and pianos with karaoke machines, and others have removed pews in favor of reclining massage chairs. O’Neill Family Hall offers a 7:30 p.m. “easy Mass,” with a video of Subway Surfers gameplay projected onto the wall behind the altar. 

Some students have objected to the form that the competition has taken, calling the local liturgical revolution “Vatican III: Revenge of the Clown Mass.” Ultimately, students voted with their feet, and the Old College Log Chapel mass was announced Mass Madness champion last week. In a comment to the Rover, one Log Chapel regular said, “I mean, I love karaoke and fireworks, but it’s nice to be at a Mass where I can actually pray.” 

Bob-Ball 2.0 will take place some time in April, and once again the football stadium has been rented out for all eleven Old College seminarians and their plus-ones.

Haley Garecht is abroad … then again, so are all women! James wrote that joke, and Haley apologizes for how bad it is. Please send any study abroad pun suggestions to hgarecht@nd.edu.

James Whitaker is not abroad, but he does live off-campus, which is sort of the same thing. Haley wrote that joke, and James apologizes for how bad it is. Please send any South Bend townie jokes to jwhitak5@nd.edu.

Photo Credit: Bartholomeus van Bassen, Interior of a Catholic Church (1626), Source: Wikimedia Commons (modified)

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