Welcome back, gentlemen! This second issue has been created because apparently y’all need even more help than the ladies. This time, I’ve enlisted my brother Andrew (siblings, not dating) for some advice to guide ND men through the spiritual purgatory known as “courtship.”
Step 1: Finding the perfect “Trad Wife”
Gents, stop looking for your wife on Marriage Pact. Stop looking at the bars! You’ll find your trad wife in her natural habitat: The Basilica. Your future wife will probably be:
- In the front pew, praying with her best friends. (Yes, they all look the same … just pick one.)
- Still genuflecting, making sure her right knee fully touches the ground.
- In line for confession, with her head bowed in repentance for forgetting to pray the third day of the St. Thérèse novena.
Be sure to sit behind her to make sure she does not raise her hands during the Our Father. Remember, you want a Trad wife, not a Vatican II wife.
Step 2: Dress for the job WIFE you want
A man’s wardrobe is critical to his courtship strategy. What you wear tells a woman everything she needs to know about your spiritual life and your future children’s likelihood of having names like Benedict or Philomena. Be sure your wardrobe includes:
- A pair of dress shoes: loafers say, “I tithe.” Sneakers say, “I’m broke.”
- Navy blazer or tweed jacket: a good coat says “I have a job,” or “I vote Republican.” (If neither are true, she’ll never know.)
- A watch that ticks: a real watch says, “I’m a man who knows when Mass starts.”
When it comes to clothes, men, don’t dress as you are (a broke college student). Dress as you intend to be; the kind of man who can afford a mortgage, owns a toolbox, and has ten kids.
Step 3: Initiate courtship before she’s recruited by the Dominican Sisters
For some reason, girls like to be told when you’re interested in them. If you wish to verbally let them know that you’re interested, be sure to:
- Flirt via text, email, and/or DM on LinkedIn, with sayings like: “crazy homily today” or “random question: do you believe in Josephite marriage?” If you can carry a conversation online, hopefully you can power through in person. I know you find it easy to flirt with “the boys,” but girls want to be hit on with at least one complete sentence that isn’t a meme.
- Talk to her after Mass, asking for the third time, “What’s your major?” even though you already know because you stalked her LinkedIn. … You just can’t think of anything else to say because she’s so beautiful.
- Ask her out using the word “DATE.” It may seem like overkill, but girls do indeed need this specific word in order to know that it’s a date.
Make sure that she feels secure in how you feel about her. You are not just interested in a date. You want to spend time with HER.
Step 4: Demonstrate leadership by planning dates
This is your chance to show her that you can plan romantic dates and be the leader that a woman can follow—Ephesians 5:22-style.
Ideal dates to show your romantic yet affordable side can include:
- Watching the whole extended editions of The Lord of the Rings: this way, your couples costumes will always be Aragorn and Arwen. Plus, it will give you 12 hours and six minutes to sit next to each other (however, be prepared to pause every five minutes to explain the Christological imagery!).
- The classic SDH date and walk around the lakes, quoting G. K. Chesterton as if you had read the book, when really you just heard it quoted by Matt Fradd.
- Any activity you KNOW you can win, such as mini golf, bowling, or (let’s be honest) almost any sport.
I know you may think it is polite to let her win … it’s not. Show no mercy! This is love AND war! This one event will determine who will be the “breadwinner” in your future family, and it better be you!
Step 5: Chivalry-maxxing
Show her that you care by:
- Making sure she NEVER opens her own door. If she tries, force the door shut so you can re-open it for her.
- Always drive, because she can’t.
- Standing between her and danger, including traffic and the campus raccoons.
- Lift heavy things, saying something gallant like “M’lady, allow me.”
If anyone accuses you of trying too hard, simply remind them that somewhere out there is a girl in a long skirt adding you to her “potential husbands” list on her notes app.
Step 6: Pursue her like you’re a crusader, reclaiming the Holy Land
When you know she’s the one, you will become a crusader of courtship. You will pursue her with the kind of intensity usually reserved for medieval men who would fight a hopeless last stand simply because their fellowman shouted, “God wills it!” Your mission may involve fewer geopolitical complications and a lot less Muslims, but you will defend her from Menbrozas, bad Tinder dates, and (let’s be honest) that one very enthusiastic Knight of Columbus who has read too many papal encyclicals and not enough social cues. Stop casual dating and enter into courtly warfare.
Man-to-man:
Be half Southern gentleman, half Crusader, and half ND football player. Yes. That’s three halves, but it’s “girl math.” Trust me. It’s what they want. In short: dress well, pray hard, lift heavy, and ask her out. If she rejects you, offer it up and throw another 45 on your max bench.
May your rosaries be sturdy, your confidence unshaken, and your Windsor knots (like your sexuality) forever straight.
Abigail and Andrew Smith have somehow been matched with 100% compatibility by ND Marriage Pact for two years in a row, which is especially disturbing because they are twins from Tennessee, NOT Alabama. Contact them at asmith78@nd.edu and asmith84@nd.edu.