Recent studies have found that the number of Saint Mary’s and Notre Dame relationships has more than doubled. Smickville is a commonly used term to describe the origin institution of “Saint Mary’s chicks.” The time of awkward mixers and bitter rivalries is now over. This statistic demonstrates improvements in the relations between the two schools, which had previously been considered declining. But what has caused this sudden surge in companionship? Some Notre Dame students have led the charge in investigating this trend.
One Notre Dame student said, “I used to make fun of the school; now, when I do, my girlfriend kicks me.” He looked afraid when he mentioned his girlfriend; he requested that he remain anonymous. Another student, when asked what he thought of Saint Mary’s students, said, “You wouldn’t catch me dead around one.” Yet, after we finished the interview, he asked me and my team if we knew any who were single. He was found dead the following morning. A concerned bystander at Saint Mary’s had this to say: “I just scheduled my eighth date for this week. It’s starting to become a hassle given that that’s more dates than days.” After the interview, I made it nine.
My team has been tirelessly studying the behavior of Saint Mary’s students, figuring out whether we can learn more about this rising dynamic. My name is Tedward “June” Teeny, and I am an up-and-coming engineer and rocket scientist, which makes me almost qualified for this study, a deficiency that I make up for in tenacity. I will be conducting a research study, individually interviewing Saint Mary’s students at Cafe J, where I will ask each subject a series of questions, which may include “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the average Notre Dame man’s conversational skills?” and, “How about giving me your number for real?”
The cause of this recent surge is still under heavy debate. There are many competing theories among students, a notable one being the “Homecoming Hypothesis,” as students looking to acquire a date for various SYRs find that Saint Mary’s provides an array of options. Another rival theory follows the recent “Cold Approach Hypothesis,” in which Notre Dame men approach Saint Mary’s students and proceed to drop to their knees and beg the Smick in question to go out with them. Theologian and scholar Jonas Flairbank provided an alternative theory. He asserted that rising relations between Saint Mary’s and Notre Dame stem from a deep longing for companionship and the desire to serve someone outside oneself. My team and several other scholars laughed him out of the room.
Although this rising statistic has strengthened ties between Notre Dame and Saint Mary’s, it has had the opposite effect on Holy Cross College. As relationships between Notre Dame and Saint Mary’s grow, there are not enough resources to support both Notre Dame and Holy Cross, which has seen a significant decline in its relations with Saint Mary’s. A student at Holy Cross, when presented with the data, had this to say: “No one cares.” Yet, later, he pulled our reporter to the side and whispered, “Save some for us.” If this were a purely scientific article, it would be suggested that a resolution be found for both schools; however, it is not. Notre Dame students can take the initiative to further outcompete Holy Cross by first getting to know their neighboring Saint Mary’s students. Maybe over coffee or lunch if you have already established a friendly connection.
And remember:
Vita, Dulcedo, Puellae Smickvillenses (Life, Sweetness, Smickville Girls)
Zander Johnson is a student at the University of Notre Dame. If you are a Saint Mary’s student who wishes to voice your concerns, Zander can be reached by carrier pigeon. He is 6’5” and single.