Campus Headlines:

PETA files suit against Notre Dame students

Two juniors accused of feeding greedy squirrels marshmallows until they exploded.

Four students expelled for toting Nerf guns while walking across south quad

The quartet claim to have been defending themselves from zombie combatants, but JC Greene, Notre Dame’s legal counsel, adeptly countered, “zombies don’t exist.”

Homeless man evicted from Dillon Hall quad where he had been living since August

Roommates claim that they believed he was just a really mature senior, but got suspicious and called police when they realized he didn’t know his own last name. Notre Dame police aren’t sure how the man got away with it for so long. The man was heard to shout as NDSP escorted him out, “I’ve got friends in high places here. You will regret this.” Dillon Hall rector Fr. Pablo Boyle hasn’t been seen since the incident.

University launches advertising scheme featuring the off-campus houses as equivalents to Greek life

“When I saw that there aren’t any frats or sororities at Notre Dame, I was turned off,” said high school senior Sammy Grizz, of the Chicagoland area, to a Rover reporter. “But after reading about the piccolo house, the frisbee house and the women’s water polo house, I knew this was the place for me.”

Holy Cross priests riot, refuse to return to the university until workplace conditions improve

“We want more of a say in how this place is run!” said one disgruntled priest in a telegraph sent from Moreau Seminary, where the priests have set up a fort replete with sandbag bunkers and defensive lookout towers. “We’re tired of being servant leaders,” wafted an Australian accent from a pillow fortess in the chapel. “It’s our time to be served now.”

Career Center hosts résumé contest

“I spend my summers helping the poor and underprivileged in Africa,” one high-achieving student volunteered. “Then I come back and barf all over the bathroom floor every weekend so that our housekeeping staff can clean up after me like I’m a three year old with no brain.”

Students find loophole to drink underage

“It was actually pretty easy,” stated a freshman who looked no older than 15. “I went to the Assistant Rector’s room with my roommate and registered a ‘Social Gathering’ for 50 people in my room by signing a sheet of paper.”

Irish Rover wins “Best Campus Publication” award

“Exemplary open-mindedness, fairness and reasonable journalism,” explained one member of judging panel. “Politically balanced, not overtly conservative Catholic bias,” echoed another judge. “Admirable in how often and uncreatively it digs at other campus publications without justification,” beamed a third.

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Students react to commencement speaker

The University of Notre Dame recently announced its commencement speaker for the class of 2013. Richard Dawkins, the renowned, combative, whiny atheist-biologist, will address outgoing seniors, allegedly speaking about “the world after Darwin, or, the world after God.”

“We are pleased to announce that Richard Dawkins will be offering his wisdom and insight to our outstanding graduating class,” university president Rev. Jeff Jackson, CSC, wrote in an email newsletter to the Notre Dame community. “Mr. Dawkins has been a public figure ever since his sophomoric forays into philosophy began, and we are ecstatic to have him with us.”

The Rover took to South Dining Hall to garner student response to the announcement.

When asked about Dawkins, Senior Ellen Roe clapped her hands with glee and exclaimed, “Finally! Notre Dame gets someone relevant! I mean, everyone’s heard of Richard Dawkins.”

Senior Michael Tomcass, seated beside Roe, chimed in, “I’m really looking forward to this, too. From what I’ve seen and heard about Dawkins, he really values thinking for yourself and not being corralled into believing what everyone around you believes. That’s something that we as Notre Dame students believe.” The other 8 members of their dinner party nodded their heads vigorously in agreement.

Senior Bill Bones, on the other hand, expressed disappointment when asked about the Dawkins announcement.

“Frankly, I’m disappointed, though not surprised,” he lamented. “I know they mean well and are committed to ‘dialoguing with those who disagree with us’ and ‘respecting all different viewpoints’ and all that, but the administration should know that not all Notre Dame students are atheists.”

“It’s sort of insulting, really. As a theist myself, I don’t think anything Dawkins has to say will be remotely valuable, insightful or worth hearing. Oh well, what can you do?” Bones walked away sadly after saying this.

Scottie Jordan expressed mixed feelings about the speaker.

“My older brother was here when President Obama came in 2009,” he told the Rover. “And my brother loved how much everyone loved Obama’s being honored. I’m sort of bummed that the administration is bringing in such a controversial speaker now for my class.”

“At the same time, I know that Dawkins at least is in touch with the world. He even wrote a children’s book recently. One of my friends goes to Catholic College and they’re bringing in some old white man who is overweight and hates the poor, and pregnant women to boot.”

Scottie’s girlfriend Amanda agreed.

“Look, probably like only 3 percent of Notre Dame students are agnostic or atheistic,” she pointed out. “How paternalistic the administration is to assume that the rest of us want to listen to some guy who called evolutionary theory ‘the intellectual superhighway to atheism!’ I thought all roads led to Rome.”

Julia Hamz offered perhaps the most balanced perspective on the topic.

“All over Facebook and in the Observer and stuff, students are complaining about the speaker,” she said in an exasperated tone. “But you know what? I bet you that after all this complaining, and despite their differences with him, all the students will get something out of what Dawkins says. They may even enjoy his talk in spite of themselves, and two years from now, they won’t remember it anyway. They just want to make a stand for their convictions, it’s vogue to do so.”

“It’s sort of like caring about the national presidential election in that sense,” she added.

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Athletes begin anonymous support group

A coalition of Notre Dame student-athletes recently received SAO approval to form a new club, called “Athletes Seeking to Overcome NARP Stereotyping,” or “ASONARPS.”

NARPs, non-athlete regular people, commonly stereotype student-athletes according to demeanor, physical appearance, dress code and classroom work ethic, according to Melinda Been, a psychologist specializing in athlete trauma healing. Common Notre Dame examples of such stereotyping include the Adidas slides/white tube socks look, the perception that football players are stupid and the belief that all hockey players hit their waitresses.

A Rover staffer attended the inaugural ASONARPS meeting, wearing his old Track & Field hoody as a disguise.

“I’m tired of everyone assuming that I can’t spell,” confided a 6’3, 300 pound offensive lineman from the football team. “I’ll be sitting in my room reading Dostoevsky and I hear my neighbors sniggering about my picture books. I don’t even own picture books.”

A female lacrosse player patted him softly on his behemoth back and cooed, “It’s okay. Whenever I don’t have 6 a.m. practice and can sleep in, my RA assumes that I’m hung over.”

A member of the hockey team spoke up next. “I’m tired of being the butt of jokes,” he complained. “I only pulled her pig tails. Any of you would have done the same.” A large basketball player chuckled quietly, saying under his breath, “We do. We just don’t get caught.”

The Rover staffer spoke up in a shaky voice. “I hate when people tease me for wearing my issue gear to class,” he volunteered. “I try to explain that it’s just plain comfy, but nobody believes me. They think I’m trying to advertise my being an athlete or something.”

“That’s not why you wear the issue gear?” asked members of the men’s swimming, women’s soccer and softball team in unison.

“No. . .” the staffer replied.

“Friends, this is an instance of denial,” said Been in a tender voice. “Just admit what you are,” she softly advised.

At that point, the football player surmised that the staffer was not in fact on the track team, and the editor fled the scene amidst deep-throated shouts of “NRAP, NRAP, NRAP!”