Declan Feeley, Humor Apprentice

As winter winds and tornado warnings sweep Notre Dame, only one questions remains on everyone’s mind: Where the coffee at?

Despite the virtual shut down of Chicago, tornado devastation in the Midwest and the loss of power for over 100,000 Midwesterners, Notre Dame students remain far more concerned about their precious coffee supplies.

“I just don’t know what I would do if our supply was compromised,” says freshman Pete Pistons. “Without coffee, I would actually have to listen to my body’s natural rhythms. I can’t risk that.”

Roverreporters caught up to junior Wally Wizard as he was waiting in line at Starbucks to get his take on the matter. He said: “I can stop drinking coffee whenever I want. I have no problem with caffeine. I just have a problem without it.”

Many outsiders, however, have questioned the possible health risks such high coffee consumption poses to students. In particular, they point to the large amounts of sugar that students tend to put into their drinks.

“I don’t think it’s a problem,” remarked senior Kevin Knicks as he added a 13th pack of high-grade, processed brown sugar to his drink. “In fact, any drink that doesn’t have my body weight in sugar sprinkled in it tastes pretty bland to me.”

Other students expressed similar positions: “Ever since I lost feeling in my left hand,” observed junior Suzy Spurs, “it has gotten a lot harder to pour sugar into my coffee, but I’m managing somehow.”

The coffee epidemic is not limited to jittery students. Several professors have allegedly been spotted carting crates of coffee beans back to their residences, prompting students to suspect that they are hoarding supplies.

“It isn’t fair. I need my afternoon coffee to get through the evening,” said senior Roger Rockets, who sees nothing excessive about consuming coffee in the morning and afternoon. “It’s 7 a.m. somewhere.”

Many Notre Dame residents seem unaware of their coffee addiction. Roverreporters interviewed Professor De Nile for his take on the issue. He simply blustered: “I am not addicted. I am fully capable of stopping whenever I want.” De Nile soon excused himself to the kitchen, where the sounds of furious slurping could barely be heard above the sound of the copy machine.

Rover interviews have been inconclusive. Has coffee addiction completely entrapped the fair campus of Notre Dame? Perhaps. It is up to you, dear reader, to decide. Just beware the next time you see a bedraggled student trudge his way to class on a Monday warning, and pray that you will never fall prey to the dreaded OCD: Obsessive Coffee Disorder.

Declan Feeley is a freshman theology and finance double major whose interests include writing and investment theory. Declan can be contacted by email at dfeeley@nd.edu.