Declan Feeley, Humor Editor


There is an old adage that states: Small rooms build character. But you know what builds even more character? Paying for the privilege of going to prison. Yes, that right. Some Notre Dame students pay in excess of $12,000 for the right to sleep in a room that prisoners might consider inhumane. Certain dorms at Notre Dame (which shall remain unnamed) have doubles that measure approximately 9 feet smaller than equivalent prison cells.

Rover reporters interviewed several students to get their take on this issue. Many freshmen were shocked by the news.

You’re telling me,” gasps Suzy Salazar, “that if Justin Beiber ran over another paparazzi, he might get a nicer cell than my dorm room?”

Suzy was not alone in her outrage. “I love bringing people to my room,” says James Juniper. “It’s always nice to hear the different ways they try to think up something positive to say about it. My favorite adjective used so far: ‘cozy,’ ‘room-for-one’, and ‘petite.’”

Furthermore, the small size of freshman dorm rooms has created many issues concerning roommate relations at ND. Freshman Luke Lane sums up the issue. “I came to Notre Dame willing to compete,” says Luke. “I just always thought it would be in the classroom, not over who got to stand in front of the mirror first.” However, Luke also offers up some positive insights.

At least it’s not all bad. I never have to worry about losing things. Its either on my bed or, um . . . well, that’s pretty much the only place it could be.”

With no space to eat or work in their rooms, freshmen have searched for other locations to spend their time. Many have turned towards the library or dining hall out of a simple desire to get away from their claustrophobically close roommates. Our reporters caught up with Teresa Talismand as she was sitting in South Quad. Before we could ask her any questions, Teresa held up her hand. “Do you hear that?” she said, a serene smile playing across her lips. “That’s the sound of my roommate not coughing into my ear. It has been so long, I could hardly remember what silence sounded like.”

Yet, it also appears that these tiny dorm rooms have produced several unexpected rewards. “I think I have perfected the art of inviting myself over,” says Fred Flint. “I can go days without ever having to return to my room, simply by dropping hints to my sophomore friends about how much they owe me for holding the door open for them, or how much better they would study if I slept over.” Flint argues that such skills are invaluable in the real world. “Whether it is sleeping in my parent’s basement or crashing on my buddies’ couch two weeks past when I said I would leave, the skill of mooching is never wasted.”

For most freshmen, however, the day when they move to a bigger and better room cannot come fast enough. “Sometimes people ask me what my dreams are,” remarks Wally Whim. “They ask me if I want to be a doctor, or a lawyer like my brother. ‘No,’ I reply. ‘I just want a single.’”

Declan Feeley is a freshman theology and finance double major whose interests include writing and investment theory. Declan can be contacted by email at