Closed door meetings. Seemingly arbitrary sanctions. A feud in the press. This year’s student body election has generated much grief, and even more Observer viewpoints and editorials. As a result, we, the student body, have finally been awoken to the violence inherent in the system.

To this end, I commend the Observer editorial board and the whistle-blower who penned those great political treatises, “We Deserve Better” and “We Deserve Much Better.” You have sparked the flame of student body revolution; but I say, you have not gone far enough!

We at Notre Dame deserve a better, more accountable system of government. The humor of it is that this system of government has been staring us right in the face, thanks to the (regretfully) failed Zahm ticket. Those brave men from Zahm reminded of the golden age of Notre Dame, when we were ruled by a great king (and his cat).

Here lies our solution! A return to the monarchy will surely solve all “transparency” issues. Under monarchical rule, we know who made all decisions, and all the monarch’s decisions are lawful (Hobbes, Leviathan, part II, ch. XXVI). Therefore, we would have nothing more to complain about!

I know some of you may be thinking, “But, Evan, how will succession work?” Simple! Upon coronation, the king or queen shall name an heir, to replace them after abdication/graduation (whichever comes first). In the case of a contested succession, the Pope shall be called in to pronounce his judgement.

Of course, this system will require a first monarch. This honor, quite surprisingly, has been given to me. You see, the Lady of St. Mary’s Lake, her arm glimmering in blue and gold, held aloft Excalibur, signifying that by Divine Right, I, Evan, am to be king of the Fighting Irish.

Doesn’t get much betterer than that.

Evan Holguin is a senior PLS major. His favorite food is water and tarts. You may ask to become a Knight of DuLac at