Vice President of Student Affairs Erin Hoffman Harding announced on Monday that the University would begin construction on a planned 1000 new dormitories.
“We feel the best way to promote the mission of Our Lady’s University is to continue our current cycle of construction into the foreseeable future,” Hoffman Harding said. “Our new 350 year plan is to construct dorm after dorm after dorm. An alarming amount of dorms. 1000 new dorms. That’s how many.”
Hoffman Harding noted that, to accommodate the influx of living space on campus, several new quads will be constructed across campus.
“East Quad, South West Quad, North North Quad, Quad In The Middle, West Quad II: Quad Down Under, Quad-Upon-Avon, Vape Quad, Squad Quad, and the Bulla Parking Lot. These are just a few of the dozens of new quads we will be forced to construct as we see this project through,” said Hoffman Harding.
Several donors have already signed on with the project. As of such, four of the new halls have been named Walsh Family Hall, Welsh-Walsh Family Hall, Wolsh Family Hall, and DeBartolo III. Construction has already begun in what was formerly the Cedar Grove Cemetery.
“Bet you didn’t know we’ve already started building this s***,” Hoffman Harding proudly proclaimed.
The project, appropriately dubbed “Build 1000 Dorms,” is forecasted by the University’s investment office to cost approximately $60 billion and will not be completed until August 20, 2368.
“We are well aware of the cost of building such a large number of dorms—the largest number of dorms ever to be built in the state of Indiana, in fact—and have therefore purchased a controlling interest in British Petroleum,” said Chief Endowment Officer Scott Malpass. “We are also selling cookies now.”
Cookie sales at press time have totaled $3.50.
“The dorms will add around 5.5 trillion square feet to our campus,” said Hoffman Harding, a number which, according to Vice President of Facilities Design Doug Marsh, “is not just entirely incorrect, but practically impossible.”
When asked if the the University would increase class sizes in the near future, Hoffman Harding was very definitive. “Absolutely not. Notre Dame was built on tradition. Far be it from us to alter or abolish that.”
Hap Burke is a junior.