Last February, the Office of Strategic Planning and people’s champion Erin Hoffmann Harding conducted a survey to show student attitudes towards campus life, as differentiated by demographic. The research revealed that, clearly enough, Notre Dame has some immense cultural problems to figure out.

For example, studies revealed that women who’d dyed their hair blue were 76% more likely to eat at North than South. I know—concerning. In a similar study, women with blue hair were found to be 36% more feminine than girls who’d dyed their hair red or green. This interested researchers, who also found that men who worked out at least five times a week were 53% less masculine than men who did not. Because just over half the student body responded to their surveys and all of the results of those surveys can be taken as entirely serious, not at all in a joking manner, certainly not written cynically in the library at three in the morning, and representing the student body as a whole–not just those with an interest–the researchers accepted these conclusions wholeheartedly and sent out another survey.

When playing the famous Mr. Brightside for a control group (Carroll Hall), residents claimed to be 35% more satisfied with their day when they lived on the east side of the dorm. Waking up with the sun in their eyes even increased this level of satisfaction. Surprisingly, when replicated in women’s residence halls, the experiment yielded less promising results. Scientists still are trying to unravel what this startling reveal changes about gender-studies, particularly the sticky stereotype surrounding “white women.” In a related study, it was found that women named Stacy who’s moms visited during a home game were twice as dissatisfied as their peers, especially when introducing their mother to gentlemen familiar with Fountains of Wayne.

There were plenty of interesting studies involving legacy students, those students whose parents attended the University before them. As a demographic, these were the ones most likely to be depressed they haven’t met their spouse yet, most likely to attend milkshake mass for the social setting, and least likely to kill a man in a bar fight. That last statistic seems to have developed simply out of curiosity… This body of people notably boasted a 97% satisfaction rating with the University, even though 98% disagreed with the new University housing policy and gender dynamics in general.

As confusing as most of these survey results must seem, at least a large majority of students are incredibly satisfied with their experience here at Notre Dame. For the most part, differences in gender, race, religion, and sexual orientation have had very little impact on the overall sense of belonging most students feel. It truly seems that Notre Dame is a welcoming place for its student body, and can continue to work toward its goal of being a place where everyone might feel at home.