Taco Bell, fast-food chain and sole reason LaFun’s lights stay on, is proud to reveal its latest meal: the Living Taco, now only $1.99, $2.99 comboed with a large drink. This completely revolutionizes any memory of the “walking taco” your mind might be desperately holding onto; no, this taco can talk, this taco can think, and this taco can even do a little dance, changing your Taco Bell experience by offering dinner and a show.
At the behest of CEO Brian Niccol, the first Living Taco was developed by celebrated researcher and renowned mad scientist Victor Wilhelm Vetruvio III, who our reporters had the pleasure of interviewing on a ship in the Arctic Ocean just last week. “After mastering the natural sciences, reading everything from the ancients to the modern empiricists, it was simply a matter of harnessing Nature’s magnificent lightning, and, like clockwork, my creature came to life,” he told us, a melancholic gleam in his eye. “The problem was that, though I’d used the best materials to create it—the freshest lettuce, the juiciest tomatoes, the tastiest cheeses—the meat still looked synthetic, and the shell still looked cardboard-esque. Something was just off. I abhorred my creation as soon as it looked upon me with its young eyes, its dim, inhuman eyes, and I fled my laboratory.”
Well, as the interview then continued to reveal, things only went from bad to worse. The Living Taco fled Vetruvio’s town and began wandering the wilderness, where it would only creep on a happy family, terrify a young girl, and strangle Vetruvio’s little brother. The scientist assumed his monster was out of control, and confronted it when they chanced to meet one day in the wild fields of Indiana. Surprisingly, he reported to us, the Living Taco spoke like a civilized gentleman, defending each of his actions and presenting himself as a sinner in the world of an unfeeling god. He demanded that Vetruvio create him a mate, so that they could run off and be happy on their own.
The scientist almost complied with the pitiful creature’s request, but then realized that this breed of Living Taco’s might go on to supplant the entire human race, and he knew he could never let that happen. Preventing the dismal Armageddon that he saw in his head, Vetruvio did create a mate for the Living Taco, as well as a whole family of Sentient Tacos, Burritos, and Fajitas. Though, to the Living Taco’s chagrin, instead of freeing them so that they might roam freely, Vetruvio simply took them and placed them on Taco Bell’s menu. In a fit of retributive outrage, the Living Taco murdered Vetruvio’s wife on their wedding night, leading to a goose chase that led our subjects all the way to the north pole, where our reporters found them mid-chase.
With so much toil and sorrow having spiced up the meal, the Living Taco has now been captured and will be served at Taco Bell locations near you starting this December. Live mas.