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Boat Stratification



The University has recently released a new policy for graduation. So as to streamline the ceremony, there will now be three distinct groups for three distinct ceremonies, held in different places at the same time in order to speed everything along. These groups have been determined by how quickly the seniors signed up for tickets once the window opened.

First responders will get Ticket 1, and will have the opportunity to graduate in the stadium, hug commencement speaker Pope Francis, and take home a bottle of Dom Perignon Rose Gold. Once all of these tickets have been taken, seniors who apply for tickets will receive Ticket 2. This ticket is for a graduation ceremony in Purcell, with Peggy Noonan as speaker and a bottle of De Trinitate. Though maybe not as nice as the king’s package, many have still called this option “not too bad.” Once the site runs out of Ticket 2, Ticket 3 will begin being distributed to the final, slower seniors. This final ticket gets you and your beloved family members into a commencement held under an unairconditioned tent on North Quad, with Jeppson’s Malort distributed amongst the graduates and Dabo Sweeney as cherished speaker. Compared to the aristocratic and bourgeois packages, many have disparaged this third ticket as ‘cruel and unusual,’ or ‘a horribly bleak reality for the proletariat majority.’ The administration has responded, telling such ‘whiner-babies’ to be faster next time.

Regarding the allegations that Ticket 1-holders may’ve known select suppliers beforehand, thus rigging the system in their favor, administrators have yet to comment.

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