Egregious satirist, burgeoning cynic, and soon-to-be-homeless, former humor editor Halpin “Hap” Burke is still grateful to the Irish Rover, for some reason. “No, seriously, don’t write about me; write something else,” he had to say when interviewed by our reporters. Humble to his final breath, Burke remains resolved that his time spent at the Rover was well worth it. This was, of course, surprising based on the amount of respect he received at his post.
Not but one month ago, Burke’s campus-wide approval ratings were at an all-time low. Rumors of chaos in Burke’s office have grown in reach and validity, rumors of James Rahner traipsing about playing a discordant melodica and Andrew Rebholz sunken in a corner bingeing SunnyD, not to mention Brenston’s urinary incontinence. The carnival that is Burke’s humor department has been disparaged by both law enforcement and sanitation services, NDSP even going so far as to call them the “most disappointing group of men, no, sorry, boys since the Children’s Crusade.” Though he worked hard to gather funny articles biweekly and put in hours of work into formatting the Rover, Burke’s reputation has been dunked again and again into the gutter for the mismanaging of his subordinates.
And yet, while tabloids publish innumerable articles on his Breath of the Wild addiction, Burke is still happy with all he’s been able to accomplish. Coming to the Rover off of an incredibly successful career as a Twitter-entertainer, he thinks he’s brought a lot of laughs to staff and readership both, no matter what his haters may say.
Asked what he thinks he’ll do next, Burke had to say, “No, I’m not kidding. Write something about Mayor Pete, or something. You’re not allowed to write an article about me; I won’t publish it.”
Clearly, whether for good or ill, more is to expected of Burke, the polarizing entertainer that he is. It’s unlikely we’ve heard the last of Halpin, and it’s unlikely we’ll ever see his like again.
Andrew Rebholz is a senior.