Heed Campus Safety and Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse

My fellow soon-to-be preppers,

The time has come. In honor of the Center for Disease Control’s (CDC) “Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse Guide” and Notre Dame Campus Safety’s upcoming September 28 event, I present the Rover’s most practical advice:

  1. Grab the children. It is never too early to start educating them on the importance of “Stranger, Danger,” especially if said strangers turn out to be dead. The Survival Mom blog has some great tips on how to homeschool prepper children. 
  2. Learn how to locate a zombie-free camp. Apple and Google Maps may not be helpful once the zombies take out the power grid. Step outside of Hesburgh for a bit and learn to read the sun or the way moss grows. Note: Avoid looking directly at the sun—you may need your eyesight to identify the walking dead. 
  3. Here in America, we take our Second Amendment rights pretty seriously. While remaining mindful that this is not Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, one should be prepared should they come across a zombie. Take lessons in Krav Maga (like I have) and consider stocking up on knives. Those dining hall knives have a hard time cutting chicken, so I recommend going to an Army Surplus. If you need advice, I’m sure a few good ol’ boys can tell you which pocket knife brands to avoid and which ones have extra tools.  
  4. If you are not sure what a radio is, you should learn. I’ve heard the ROTC kids know how to operate one. My advice: You should perhaps buddy up with one of Notre Dame’s finest soldiers—they may prove useful on various fronts of the coming apocalypse. The difference between 10-4 and 10-9 can save lives. Wilco. Over and Out. 
  5. As the prophets of The Walking Dead and the Army of the Dead have indicated, stay away from big cities like Atlanta and Las Vegas if at all possible. Now is the perfect time to peruse Zillow and save money for the down payment on a nice, rural farmhouse with more than a few acres of land. You should also learn how to bush hog and clear land. After all, you can’t be too careful—you don’t want zombies hiding out on your property. If you need help learning how to control burn and use a tractor, I know some people.
  6. Social distancing may prove to be useful in this case. Expect further guidance from the CDC to roll out soon. Six feet may not be enough in certain situations. 
  7. Need help deciding which survivalist brands to choose from? Don’t even know where to begin? Begin by binge-listening to conservative podcasts and pay particular attention to the ads. You can also visit prepperwebsite.com, where you can keep up on the latest in prepper news and reviews. [Editor’s note: This article was made possible through the generous support of My Patriot Supply. Use code “Brenston” for 20 percent off your next purchase]. 
  8. Finally, what is better than a canary in a coal mine? An intelligent dog. Every good soon-to-be prepper needs to think about adopting and training a dog immediately for the post-apocalyptic wasteland. Remember folks, it behooves a watchdog to bark.

TEOTWAWKI is coming. Don’t be idle—be prepared and learn how to prep today. Madelyn is in the process of packing her bug-out bag and looking on Craigslist for a bug-out vehicle. While she refuses to disclose her bug-out location, she can be reached at mstout2@nd.edu until she moves off-grid or the zombie blackout occurs. After that, you might be able to reach her on a radio, under the callsign “Tally.”

Photo Credit: Matthew Rice

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