A survivor’s testimony
I was nearly hit by a bike yesterday. I was crossing the street at a crosswalk where cars were stationary and pedestrians had the right of way. I crossed confidently, assuming my safety, when a cyclist, with blatant disregard for my legal prerogative, flew by within six inches of my face. Injury and health were a mere second apart.
I was livid. I yelled at the cyclist as he passed, overwhelmed by the adrenaline rush I had experienced. I remained agitated for a while, muttering to myself about the cyclist in a way that was certainly less than charitable. Once this initial fury had subsided, however, I felt introspective; this was far from the first time that I had seen a cyclist ignore the rules of the road. In fact, it seemed to be a regular occurrence. Seldom, however, had I seen pedestrian or vehicle behave likewise. Why was it always bicycles?
Our current organization of traffic deserves far more recognition than it receives. The harmony between vehicle and pedestrian is akin to the cyclical harmony of the yin and yang, where mobility is cycled between the two parties through an intricate system of lights, crosswalks, and laws. The result is a predictable set of behaviors from both sides, which guarantees each’s safety whilst maintaining efficiency for both on their respective journeys.
In this ecosystem of well-ordered traffic laws, the cyclist is the invasive species. Unfettered by law, order, and human decency, the cyclist barrels fanatically down the road with unparalleled temerity, casually discarding any notions of his or others’ physical safety in exchange for—in exchange for what? Such behaviour is simply not sane.
“Perhaps,” the skeptic may observe, “there is no method in the cyclist’s madness. Perhaps he is simply as oblivious to his surroundings as his actions would suggest.” There is great charity in this interpretation, and it should therefore be duly commended—it is our Christian duty to see the best in people, after all. At the very best, therefore, the cyclist is a headless chicken.
This argument collapses, however, when we realise how biologically inconsonant the cyclist’s oblivion must be. We, the apex predators, achieved this coveted status through braving natural selection, a process that has never looked favorably on stupidity. Their intentions cannot, therefore, be benign. Only the zeal of religious fervor could persuade anyone to ride amongst two-ton titans of steel capable of speeds in excess of 100 miles per hour. Moreover, religious fanaticism is arguably the only wholesale means by which man consistently rises above the natural law. I repeat, therefore, that their intentions cannot be innocent. Cyclists are not headless chickens.
They are the headless horsemen of the environmental apocalypse, raining down the judgement of climate change upon its agents. In subscription to a Malthusian worldview, these fanatical followers desire nothing more than to restore demographic balance to the ever-growing bubble of human consumption and population. To eliminate one sinful pedestrian through their reckless cycling is to do the will of Malthus: to eliminate themselves along with their victim is to open the doors to Valhalla/Olympus/Elysium (take your pick) for themselves.
In this twisted theology, these self-important agents of nature fashion themselves holy and pure in a world of filthy c*rb*n emitters simply because they ride self-propelled vehicles. They entertain this sanctimony as if going thirty miles an hour slower than the rest of traffic is remotely commendable. Regardless, these cyclists barrel down the road at a red light towards the unwitting pedestrian, yearning wholeheartedly to fulfill the suicidal sacred doctrine of “An Inconvenient Truth” (and its inconvenient sequel), that they may sit at the right hand of Malthus, the father of eugenics almighty.
These deluded kamikaze maniacs live, breathe, and die for the day that society will regress to the state of nature, as if human greed will not rise above their feeble idealism and quash it. The delusion is unparalleled. The cultish allegiance contained within the bicycle helmet is an ideology juxtaposed to the most basic ideas of human flourishing. Under the ceremonial helmet, in their devotional (and emasculating) spandex, they offer themselves at the altar of environmental balance for the ruin of humanity.
As you see, dear reader, mass cyclism is evil. It is an invasive ideology, one that has garnered mainstream acceptance through innocent environmental rhetoric whilst locking away its true, genocidal intentions behind the impervious bike lock. Only now do we see their true intentions, but it is too little, too late. Despite what we may wish to believe, Malthus never died. Like a horcrux, he lives again in the deranged hearts of the terrorists of our time: cyclists.
Rafael Llull is a senior studying in the Program of Liberal Studies. He believes that God gave us legs to walk, and that to set them upon pedals is a perversion of His natural order. Compliments, complaints, commendations and critiques can all be sent to him at rllull@nd.edu.
Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons, modified
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