Archbishop of Canterbury selected
On Friday, October 3rd, 2025 A.D. C.E., the new Archbishop of Canterbury was selected as the head of the Church of England. His name? Sarah Mullallay.
Mullallay is a historic choice. She is the first woman to ever fill the office, in a progression that has moved remarkably fast. It was little over thirty years ago that women were allowed to be ordained in the English Church. Now, contrary to centuries of teaching and tradition, it is a woman that is the foremost spiritual advisor to faithful Anglicans globally.
Sources close to Mullallay predict that Mullallay’s leadership will lead to radical change.
“Wallpaper. Lots and lots of wallpaper. That’s step one. We will have the best wallpaper around. People say we don’t have beautiful churches. They are wrong—we do. But they’re about to get a whole lot more beautiful. I have some good floral patterns in mind.”
The Rover was also told that there was at least one administrative order of business, effective immediately. Mansplaining will be outlawed from the pulpit. (For those of you who don’t know, mansplaining is when a man explains a facile topic in painful depth, such that even women can understand it.) ((This often takes the form of needless parenthetical tangents, long past when the point has been made.)) (((Is it starting to make sense now?)))
It appears, however, that matters of the faith will remain constant. The Nicene Creed will still be said, psalms will still be sung, and abortions will still be permissible, just as the Church Fathers intended.
And yet, there are still concerns among clergy and laymembers. Some think that this is a grave error, and that reform is needed. They recommend schism, just like Henry VIII did in days of yore. As one layman said, “We shall schism on the beaches, we shall schism on the landing grounds, we shall schism in the fields and in the streets, we shall schism in the hills; we shall never surrender!”
Others suggest, rather, that these parishioners are ill-informed bigots. “Who even is Paul? Why are you clinging to the social structures established by an educated man? They need to get off their high horse already.” Upon hearing that St. Paul was Jewish, many withdrew their comments.
They commented further, “She already was a compromise candidate. After all, she doesn’t like euthanasia (what happened to ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged,’ anyhow?). But, give these blokes an inch and they’ll take a mile. It’s truly a shame what they’ve done to the English church.”
Among secular commentators, Mullally’s appointment has been met with great support. “It’s just so important to have a woman in charge. Girlboss Sarah really captures what we’ve been pushing for: ‘Silence! A woman is speaking. Listen, and learn.’”
To hear more about what’s upcoming for the Anglican church, tune into this week’s episode of The View for comments from the new Archbishess.
Jack Krieger is the Rover’s correspondent from across the pond. You can try to reach him at jkrieger@nd.edu, but the London police have arrested him for hate speech. Sentence? Death. His crime? He was too smart, good-looking, and witty.
Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons, modified
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