But in a much more real sense
Midnight on January 20th, Notre Dame’s campus was amok with celebration and good cheer, midnight tailgating and making merry. Gleeful rowdiness was off the charts: Notre Dame had won another National Championship. By the transitive property.
Notre Dame kids know two things for sure, thanks to their required training in philosophy and theology. First, they know that objective, universal, abstract truths are far more real and important than literal, historical happenings. Second, they know that God’s own mother is patroness of their football team, and “never was it known that anyone who fled to her protection, implored her help, or sought her intercession, was left unaided.” Sure, Mendoza and Cignetti have a physical trophy—but the Notre Dame men have the metaphysical trophy: in the eyes of God and His mother, we won.
“But you weren’t even ranked high enough for the playoffs,” you whine pathetically. Yes, we were. Notre Dame ranked ahead of Miami for the weeks leading up to the final rankings, and our resumé was better in Week 13 and Week 14. We didn’t play in Week 15, which means Jeremiyah Love was only stronger and healthier than before. And as Indiana showed against Alabama, a bye week doesn’t have to change a thing.
“Why didn’t the committee pick you, then?” you sneer vilely. When have Christians ever avoided persecution? Does the world love Catholics? When have the Irish ever caught a break? Who did the committee pick instead but the goons of deep Florida, the historically criminal-fraught college football team from the state which churns out “Florida Man Committed Heinous New Crime” headlines every hour? Is this not the way of the world, to reject the Catholics and prefer the criminals? Is this not man’s bitter fallenness, to crucify Christ while freeing Barabbas?
So, were it not for man’s distorted will and rampant concupiscence, the committee might have seen the truth, willed the good, and properly ranked Notre Dame higher. And why should we now accept the way of the world, when we know the true, the good? Don’t even get me started on Alabama. Negative three rushing yards. Roll Tide? Roll my butt.
“Okay, so even if you were gypped, how can you say that you would have won?” you bleat vacantly. We’ve got the goods: ten consecutive wins, once our freshman quarterback got warmed up (while Mendoza wasn’t warmed up until his junior year); huge margins of victory and an offense averaging 42 points per game; our two losses were by three and one points—to other ranked teams in the CFP—but back before we hit our stride in October and became a powerhouse capable of winning either rematch.
“But you lost to Miami! How could you know you’re better than Miami or IU?” you bellyache condescendingly. Notre Dame lost to Miami by three points in Week 1 in Miami’s home stadium. On a neutral field in January, with our freshman quarterback on his 13th game instead of his first, Notre Dame wins that rematch 99 times out of 100. Add to that the Irish secondary, with cornerbacks Leonard Moore and Christian Gray, statistically one of the best in the country. We had more interceptions than any other team in the playoffs, and with even fewer games in our season to do so. In a playoff field featuring Indiana’s or Miami’s passing offenses, Notre Dame had the kryptonite to stop them more than any team in the bracket.
In conclusion, ergo, etc., etc.: Notre Dame won the National Championship. Thank you for your attention.
James Whitaker is a graduate student with the theology department. He’s extra torn up because the experts tell him that if his alma mater UVA had beaten Duke, then ND would have definitely had a spot in the playoffs. He cannot be consoled; don’t even try reaching him at jwhitak5@nd.edu.
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