Brandon Payne
Staff Writer

Ben O’Brien
Managing Editor

One Reason to Show up on Gameday
Cheers for new statues on campus. This Saturday, school officials will honor former football coach Ara Parseghian by unveiling a statue of him inside Notre Dame stadium. The statue will commemorate Parseghian’s 1971 Cotton Bowl win over Texas in which his players carried him off the field on their shoulders. During his 11 years at Notre Dame, Parseghian compiled a 95-17-4 record, and won two national championships. Incidentally, he was also the head coach who originally accepted “Rudy” onto the football team as a scout player.

Drown Your Sorrows in Cheese
Cheers for Taco Bell back on campus. Taco Bell executives seem to think that the missing link in Notre Dame’s dismal football season is readily available, low-quality “Mexican” “food.” Taco Bell has awarded Coach Weis a “Nacho Day” award (as in “not your day”), an honor which it bestows on well known individuals who are down on their luck (how this is an an award and not kicking him while he’s down, I don’t know). Taco Bells in the South Bend area will be giving out free tacos on Sunday afternoon to Irish fans. Though it’s possible this gift of free tacos is a rather backhanded compliment after activist Notre Dame students succeeded in ousting Taco Bell from LaFortune several years ago, this seems as good a solution to our football woes as any we’ve heard. Other than bringing back those sideline spy cameras.

Would There Be Any Fair Without Them?
Cheers for ND Peace Fellowship, Human Rights ND, and PSA for providing so much irony that my normally cracktastic Wednesday became a joyous celebration of all things America. So these groups think that the CIA shouldn’t be allowed to recruit on campus; that it is a “misused tool(s) in America’s unjust foreign policy.” Well I can’t defend everything the CIA does, but I do know that I don’t have Qassam rockets coming through my window, I don’t have radical immigrants stabbing documentary filmmakers and authors, I don’t have secret police dragging innocent Americans from their homes. I do have cheap soda, The Real World and the right to protest my government without fear of retribution (thank God J. Edgar Hoover is dead). To quote George Orwell, “We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.”

Let’s Lower Our Wands
Cheers for The Observer reading The Rover. We’ve lambasted Notre Dame’s illustrious daily paper in past years in regard to serious issues and never got so much as a blurb in response. In our last issue, however, we took a lighthearted jab at The Observer’s extensive Harry Potter coverage and a noxious torrent of hot air belched forth from the bowels of South Dining Hall (where the paper is headquartered)—in the form of a column by Scene editor Tae Andrews—the likes of which has not been seen nor heard there since shortly after Bob Morton defeated fellow offensive linemen in a taco eating contest in 2004. The Observer’s impassioned defense of its fictional wizard friends was cute but rather troubling when seen in light of the paper’s silence when challenged on substantive issues. And for those of you counting, 207 days until Emma Watson is legal.

And Yet They Dress Themselves Every Day
Cheers for Maris Braun and Liz Brown, who have managed to read a newspaper this week and send us multiple emails regarding what we should wear today. Look girls, the guys in Jena have a tougher schedule ahead than the ones at Academic Services for Athlete-Students Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. There’s more to life than being really, really politically correct.

Do I Sense a Bias Here?
For the “Irish Experts” at The Observer, all of whom picked Notre Dame to beat Michigan by at least a touchdown. Delirious, I know. I had a 10-3 Big Blue win and that was optimistic. All of these guys absurdly picked Notre Dame to win 9 games or more and play in a bowl. Welcome back to earth gentleman.

$15 Million More and We’ll Mention Your Name
Cheers for the “anonymous donor” who gave 15 million dollars toward a new hockey arena. Naturally, AD Kevin White has increased the renovation project budget from 15 million to 25-30 million, because he needs more money for…luxury boxes? Elephant polo locker rooms? Women’s curling? Now if we could get some sponsors for that new row house on  St. Joe’s river,  we’d be in business.