Readers of the Irish Rover have written to Brenston—the Rover’s new advice- dog—with questions and concerns. Brenston, ever the faithful advice-dog, has answered each question to the best of his ability. Selected questions have been reprinted with permission below

 

Dear Brenston,

I am a second semester senior, and there is a girl in my class that I was thinking of asking on a date. Is it worth it, with only a short time left?

-Too done to date

If I remember correctly, it was Don Knotts who said “You don’t have a chance if you don’t want to wait because when you don’t get to wait, because you can or cannot make a choice, you won’t have the reward, which is what the wait was worth for in the first place, whenever you don’t want to wait anymore.” Or take the words of famed bowler Walter Roy Williams: “Girls are like bowling. You got your ten pins, your automated pin set-up, your waxing machine. I have never had a girlfriend.” It’s as simple as that.

-B

 

Dear Brenston,

The card scanner on the printer in O’Shag is broken, so people have to manually enter their username and password and there are like 20 people in line. All my assignments are late. Any advice?

-Angry from Lewis

Totally get it. There’s no shame in dropping a class, or “dropping a class,” if you know what I mean. If it makes you feel better, I once went a whole four years without showering. Not sure how you can apply it, but, heck, I’m a dirty dog. I can’t help that.

-B

 

Dear Brenston,

South Dining Hall has changed its layout, and now I am completely lost. Do you have a map I could use?

-Lost from Siegfried

I actually do not care about your problem. Just because I’m an advice dog doesn’t mean I have to give lost suckers advice. Here’s some advice: never email me again.

-B

 

Dear Brenston,

I will most likely be living alone for the first time next year. I am afraid of being lonely. Should I get a cat?

-Feline Lonely

Sure, you may think you’re gonna be alone. But—let’s be honest—right now, that’s just an unrealized fear.  Anything could happen. However, that said, I can absolutely guarantee you that if you keep using puns like that, you will most certainly be alone. Get with the times, old man. Puns are out, brutally sarcastic and often harmfully accusatory jokes are in. Catch up, or CATch up (Get a cat. Get it?).

-B

 

Dear Brenston,

For a summer job, do I take a well-paying but potentially boring job, or a less-paying but bound to be fun job?

-Unemployed

Back in ‘71, I took a job as “beat-boy” (basically, a cross between a concierge and meat grinder) at my local pork-packing plant. The hours were long, and the boys didn’t exactly take well to have a dog in their crew, but I made it through happier, wealthier,, and with pretty much all of my paws. Here’s the lesson, kid: sometimes, you gotta “make a few sausages to make a few bucks” (something my father used to say to me before he was himself canned and packed in a sick yet admirably ironic twist of fate). Money, of course, should be your ultimate goal. Trust me–90% of you will be incredibly grateful.

-B

 

Dear Brenston,

I’m a senior who’s always wanted to go to a Dome Dance. How do I get a Stanford boy to ask me within 24 hours?

Sincerely, Desperate in Welsh Fam

Thanks for a nice question. So many of your peers complain about silly and trivial things—for example, stressing out about, say, a beloved coffeeshop undergoing major reconstruction. You’ve got a real problem here. College relationships will certainly be the most important part of your twenties. It’s especially tricky tricking someone into asking you out. I have a cool trick that I’ve developed over the past few years. I call it the “call-and-repeat.” It’s easy: find your guy, take him to a nice, quiet, romantic spot, shout “DATE DATE DATE DATE DATE” for five or six minutes, and leave him before he has a chance to reply. Usually, he’ll pick up on your hints–if you’ve followed my steps right, you’ve subconsciously planted an idea in his head that HE wants to date you! This is called Inception.

-B

 

Dear Brenston,

Please help–I’m so stressed out!  I heard yesterday that my beloved Waddicks is undergoing major reconstruction! What will I do without my spot in the corner booth, where I spend ten hours of my day, sipping black coffee, enjoying my breakfast sandwich, and staring out the window existentially? How can all the PLS majors discuss the meaning of life in a “modern” Waddicks?

–Concerned from O’Shag

I quit.

-B

 

Brenston is an advice-dog. He’s a father, an entrepreneur, a pathological liar, and a proud war vet. If you would like your question answered by Brenston, email him at brenston.dog@gmail.com