Notre Dame welcomes its next class of low-achieving students

Marked by their idleness, the Class of 2022 brings a variety of ineptitude to Notre Dame as well as an uncommonly strong disinterest in service to others.

Chosen from a record-breaking pool of over 20,000 applicants, the enrolling students were admitted through the University’s holistic selection process which focused on their records of negligence revealed through essays and letters of recommendation.

Admissions officer Barbara Lard commented,“The students are truly terrible in their lack of interest in scholarship and their complete disregard for servant leadership. This enrolling class is composed of video game addicts, high school dropouts, and rich students who paid their way in. Yes, they are usually bad, but this class takes the cake.”

Among their ranks are: A published author of argumentative comments on Reddit and Youtube, who also has a high ranking in Call of Duty; a Nebraskan who was the last-place finisher of her middle school spelling bee; a U.S. National Stone Skipping competitor who received a silver medal for skipping a stone five times; a gender-studies intent that founded a scam organization to steal money from children; a 2017 International Science and Engineering Fair sixty-fourth place Grand Award winner, who was also rejected from the 2016 Einstein Olympiad; a student who built his own catapult to launch food into his mouth; a student from Greenland who, prior to being on his high school surfing team, was the 2013 Greenland Champion in beach volleyball.

“We have sought and enrolled students who use their talents to waste time and bother themselves and others,” Lard added. “During their Notre Dame years, we will guide our students to further develop their ability to worsen the situation of our society.”

The applicant pool sets a new record for the most nitwits. More than 70 percent of the incoming class had a national test score that ranked in the lowest five percent of the nation. Only 98 percent of individuals with this level of academic accomplishments gained admission.

Some moronic students not in the lowest five percent, but instead the lowest one percent, were valued above students with higher numbers just because their motivation for success and leadership was so impressively low.

In addition, students demonstrated less kindness and care for others than in any previous year.

Lard said, “It’s our job in admissions to find the students that waste Notre Dame as much as possible: balancing wasting time and money is our priority.”

Ellie Gardey is a freshman. She is interested in the Irish Rover, an independant, student- run newspaper on the campus of Notre Dame.