Proudly probing the unprobable, NASA was eager to update newscasters on their current project to land new robotic explorers on the surface of Mars. After the probes landing over this past weekend, NASA scientists happily reported they’ll be able to dig deep into the planet’s surface and look into areas of Mars’ crust that have yet to be observed.
NASA further reported that all the images, data, and the rover landing itself was entirely fabricated, produced by a few cheeto-fingered neck-beards in a Hollywood basement.
“Of course, space is nothing more than a black shell encompassing the earth that God hides behind so that we never know what he’s up to,” said a NASA spokesperson in a press conference Monday morning. “The so-called ‘planets’ and ‘stars’ are just glowing aether that swirl around in Ptolemaic patterns throughout this celestial sphere–not at all similar to earthly goings-ons.”
“This exploration is, in reality, not scientific, or even real,” the spokesperson continued. “It’s all fake, just like the moon landing, quantum mechanics, or Trump’s win in 2016.”
NASA has made clear, per its mission statement, that its members will do anything to inspire dreamers and antagonize conspiracy theorists, which, surprisingly, both stimulates the US economy and increases internet traffic.
“We found that pretending and claiming we went places or did something is actually far better than actually going anywhere or achieving anything, far less costly and time-consuming. Seeing the advantage of such a reality-denying agenda, our government shifted to embrace this mindset wholeheartedly.”
The US Government continues to spend money late into 2018 on entirely fake causes. Thanks to Hollywood film nerds, ever-willing to fake scientific progress with a camcorder and a little imagination, NASA has once again exploited the dreams of every young astronaut while simultaneously contributing to the nation’s debt. Political initiatives, such as environmental aid efforts combatting the problems of global warming—a “crisis” entirely invented by an Arizona State grad, mind you—have generated much activity and employment on a global scale. Most excitingly, President Trump’s new Space Force promises to inspire young American boys with a passion for finger lasers to join the US military in the most effective recruitment drive since Star Wars.
“Enjoy the fireworks, the glitter and glam, because in the next few weeks we will reveal that life does exist on Mars, and that science as we know it has been thrown on its head, and that we should all vote for Democrats and eat purely vegan diets,” said the spokesperson.
“And pay attention to the director of the little clips of film we’re showing you,” she continued. “It’s likely he’ll be up for an Academy Award the next time around.”